I got pissed at a journalist that I know, because she worked for Jared Kushner and helped him fuck up other evil real estate trust fund babies. She was SO MAD at me that I would bring that up. "You just don't understand journalism!" she said, ignoring the fact that I worked as a journalist for years, but wasn't a…

I AM A SENTIENT PILE OF OLIVE GARDEN BREADSTICKS. GARRGH! DESTROY!

'Sky Lynx is the unbelievably talented, unsurpassably skilled, and altogether magnificent robot behind most of the greatest, most adventurous, and most daring moments in all of Autobot history. At least, if you ask Sky Lynx, that is. Not that he isn't a skilled, fast, and powerful warrior, well deserving of his rank…

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon; Mulholland Drive.

The funniest word is clearly "proactive." Thanks to The Simpsons, I can't hear this word without laughing.

I always felt like "Infinite Jest" just stole its plot from this Monty Python sketch.

Blue Ball, Pennsylvania.

YOU: Becky. Look at her butt.
ELIZA: That is interesting. Please continue.
YOU: It is so big.
ELIZA: What does that suggest to you ?
YOU: She looks like one of those rap guys' girlfriends.
ELIZA: Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
YOU: They only talk to her because she looks like a TOTAL PROSTITUTE.
EL…

I read the transcript of Trump's interview with the Wall Street Journal — which the Journal tried to keep from being published, because it's a nightmare, and he's so, so much dumber than even I thought. It's maybe the worst thing I've ever read. They ask him a question about Brexit, and he starts talking about the…

There is a bowling alley, I believe. Also, there's a swimming pool with a retractable ceiling, which is right above the room where they hold press briefings. So they could conceivably open the pool and dump the entire press corps in the pool — and this is totally true, by the way.

I read the original script for the Skull movie. It was an awesome script. Lucas completely rewrote it anyway, and added the kid and the fridge and literally everything else that was terrible in the movie, because of course he did.

Clearly, us Jews did not start that particular fire. …CHUBBY CHECKER, PSYCHO, BELGIANS IN THE CONGO! …You could look it up.

I feel like in the book, the two main characters weren't both 60 years old, and didn't suck. Ah, Hollywood!

The best part when was he said us Jews started "all the wars in the world." For reals? Including the American Revolution? The Chino-Korean conflict in the 13th century? And such and such.

an·ti-Sem·ite
an(t)ēˈseˌmīt,ˌanˌtīˈseˌmīt
noun
A person who is hostile to or prejudiced against Jews.
"He was not just a bigot, but also an anti-Semite."

Yeah, if Trump gets impeached, then Pence is just Gerald Ford. Trump fanatics will blame him for not doing enough to prevent the impeachment. Trump haters will never have liked him anyway. And many centrists will see him as being tainted by working for a guy who colluded with a foreign government (or whatever Trump…

I always thought Europeans were amazingly healthy as compared to us fat Americans, until I moved there and saw them pouring mayonnaise on top of pizza.

One of my good friends is Australian and she hates the Australian episode. I sent her an interview with the writers where they said the actual joke was that Americans know nothing about foreign countries and thus would believe all this insane shit. Still did not win her over.

It still sucks that OHMSS could have been the greatest Bond film ever… if Connery had just stuck around for it. We were robbed.

She what?