My ex-gf used to write for the History Channel. She would have to write specials like, "WAS ATLANTIS CREATED BY ANCIENT ALIENS??" So, fifty minutes of interviews with crazy people, and then the answer is "…No." This is what happens when you major in creative writing — a fate I know all too well.

Hells yeah he's real.

I mean, I used a book that gave modern measurements, so I can't blame it on that. It was just a bizarre combination of meat, ground almonds, and cinnamon — all of which were considered the shit at the time, but was very weird tasting to a dumb modern person.

It took me years to realize that dormice were not, in fact, actually mice.

I would order from a Chinese-run Mexican place in NYC all the time (not "fusion," just, run by Chinese people for some reason); the food was cheap, sort of weird, and totally bad for you and delicious.

Ah, Judges — one of the less "fun" books of the Bible. Right up there with 2nd Chronciles.

I agree that the Chinese were defintely helpful, whereas it's hard to imagine Americans giving a shit. Part of the helpfulness was probably due to the excitement of seeing a pasty white dude for the first time ever, or, more likely, was just cultural.

I don't think I ever saw a non-ironically worn D.A.R.E. T-shirt. On an unrelated note, I suddenly realized the other day that T-shirts are called "T-shirts" because they vaguely look like a "T"! I'm getting older but I'm still learning things!

Huh. My family had egg cups, but my family is very Anglophile wannabe.

ALEC GUINNESS

I know nothing about punk, and yet I can say without fear that neither Blur or Gorillaz are "punk." Hope that helped you.

This reminds me of the time I cooked a medieval meat pie in high school, to get out of writing a paper for an assignment on the Middle Ages. Sadly, my story has a less happy ending… I followed an authentic medieval recipe, and the result was fucking vile. (Also, we then had the leftovers of a huge block of lard in…

I lived in the middle of China, working as a teacher. Besides my two co-workers, there were no other Caucasians for at least one hundred miles. People used to take my picture on the street because they had never seen a honky before. If I was hungry, I went to a restaurant and pointed at a picture or gestured to get…

"AT NO POINT DID IT OCCUR TO MY FRIEND AND I TO JUST ASK WHAT WAS IN THE FUCKING SANDWICHES, BECAUSE THE EXPERIENCE WAS SO TERRIFYING!!11!!"

There was a Michael Jordan's Steakhouse in Grand Central Station. I had a drink there once; it seemed to be doing fine, though I don't think people went there specifically to honor Number 23.

I would like to understand the other side. On Facebook, some doofus stoner acquaintence of mine from college is a mega-Trump-supporter now, for some reason. But all he posts is insane rants about Libs and Arabs and whatever, and so it's not possible to talk to him. I would like to find out what turned a pudgy…

They are stacked against us, but we can pick up seats. The Republicans will still be in power though. But since, as a nation, we have the attention span of a gnat, we just blame the party in power for everything, so we can pick up even more seats in 2020 and get a majority. And then everyone will blame the Dems for…

A good friend of mine died while doing drugs — not from doing drugs, but because she kept trying to quit cold turkey, and when she stopped for the last time, it was such a strain on her heart that she went into a coma and died. She was 23. I had no fucking idea that such a thing could ever happen. Anyway. Sorry. …

How about, no one's telling you what to call it, and a man died from it. Cool?

Yeah, Caddyshack just isn't funny. Sorry. This is not to provoke anyone. But the fact that they had Murray, the funniest person in the cast, play an incoherent mumbling crazy guy with barely any lines was not a good sign. But who wants to see Bill Murray when we can be watching the comedy stylings of Chevy Chase! …