Jimmy Haslam is to Jerry Jones as Walmart is to Bloomingdales.

I wonder what Goodell would do with Cobb.

Baseball dust? Isn't that what Dock Ellis used to lace his joints with?

And she's our least-horrible option. God Bless America. Yuck.

You can get steak anywhere. Go to Sokolowski's for pierogi.

When I die on my way to work because the subway tunnel is made of bacon, the blood is on your hands, pal...

I JUST ATE IN-N-OUT BEFORE READING THIS. YOU’RE THE DEVIL.

Last time I was in Pittsburgh, it was literally every third billboard from downtown all the way out to Monroeville. That was clearly across the line that divides “raising awareness of men’s responsibility to end rape culture” from “giving a motorist the lingering feeling that they might be raped any second.”

Hey, my team is a smoldering trash can held together by dollar-store duct tape, and we still won the NBA Finals a couple weeks ago.

Between this guy, Big Ben, and the fact that last time I was in Pittsburgh, every third billboard was an anti-rape PSA, the place creeps me out. Is there something in the water?

How very fiscally conservative of them.

See, if he would have had more guns, one of the other guns in the bag would have deflected the bullet.

I judge the shit outta people who drive junk. No matter your price point, you’ve got choices. Even if you’ve only got $500 in your pocket, you can choose a Cavalier that will blow a head gasket before I finish my burrito, or a Prizm that’ll still be running after the human species is extinct.

I believe it, solely because I can see attempts to smear trump coming from the “plays golf with the Romney and Bush families” wing of the GOP, not the “open carries to Applebee’s and sends chain emails” wing of the GOP.

I don’t know how you make a mortgage baron who uses comic sans look likable, but Lacob has done it.

Dude, you've gotta use Blatherer. It's the Uber of making up jargon that keeps venture capitalists from finding out that you're spending their money on blow and trips to the Hungry I.

It’s utter shit.

Still the second-craziest Jerry Jones in the region.