Last I checked, all sperm are busted at least once.

The international breakfast is a half-waffle

I have an allergy to raw tomatoes (among other things). One of my “friends” refused to believe that someone could be allergic to tomatoes at all, much less just raw ones. She decided to test me by serving me a burrito with tomatoes hidden inside it. Thank goodness my allergy isn’t a life threatening variety. Thanks…

Tracked down his wife and told her everything.

The asshole cheated and then broke up with me before I could dump him. And I was very angry so I called him a few weeks later and said I was pregnant. I let him stew for a week and then told him I needed $500 for an abortion. He paid and I took my best friend on a road trip and had the best damn time EVER

And here I thought very nearly half-hate-fucking a Libertarian was the worst post-breakup decision one could make. Not that I did that.

This was during the “pack your shit and get THE FUCK OUT OF HERE” part, but he was threatening to kill himself.

Make sure you haven't handled any hot/spicy food right before and make sure you wash your hands a few times if you do. There have been a few times when things were a little hotter than they should have been. Wash your hands first regardless though.

STEP ONE: WASH YOUR HANDS. Seriously. You can give a woman BV if you don’t have some clean, anti-bac soap-washed hands. This has been your public health announcement.

OMG COUSINS!!!

I just remembered a great one! Last month, my friend - who is the chillest, least confrontational, most mild-mannered person in the whole world - was visiting Israel and he ran into some German lady who was like, “Why can’t there just be peace?” My friend was all, “Yeah, totally” (my friend and I are both Jewish but…

It’s my #1 sport. Team-focused, fast-moving, cute Canadian dudes. What’s not to like?

Correction: Hockey is awesome.

A friend of a friend apparently slept with Henry Rollins, and when he came, he yelled ‘FEEL THE SEED OF ROLLINS!’.

I will never look at this movie the same way after learning who the ghostwriter was.

Benefit They're Real! Mascara

Benefit They're Real! Mascara

15 at Ozzfest in Texas in the middle of the summer

A German businessman who is meticulous in detail? Love people who don’t conform to stereotypes.

I was the bridesmaid at a pretty relaxed wedding. The bride was like the anti-bridezilla, she literally did not give a fuck about the whole thing.

PEOPLE. YOU CAN STILL DOWNLOAD MOVIES AND SHOWS WITHOUT NETFLIX BUT HOW YOU GONNA DOWNLOAD THAT D