But the government did try to do something! They were going to reduce the size of the problem by de-funding Meals on Wheels, but a lot of pesky complainers insisted on feeding people.

but I’ve already signed my guardianship rights over to a hippo. What do I do now?

What bothers me about the hospital scene is that the kid goes outside ... and is never seen on Earth again. What about his poor relatives?

Oh God, please don’t let this be Robert Mueller, please don’t let this be Robert Mueller, please don’t let this be Robert Mueller ...

“Before you judge, ask yourself: who among us has not been in this exact same situation before???”

Florida (Police-)Man

My state had the “steal the sticker” problem for years. The stickers went on the edge of the plate so crooks would use tin snips and cut the corner off your plate. Eventually ... they moved the sticker to the middle of the plate. And later still the stickers had the plate number on them. Also at some point the state…

Roseanne’s Family

I read that Kubrick had many of the models and props destroyed afterward because he didn’t want them showing up in cheap B-movies for the next 20 years.

“Duck and cover”? I heard it worked great against the commies.

He doesn’t look very upset at being in handcuffs. Are we sure this isn’t one of his turn-ons?

Next up, “it’s time we did something about our nation’s outrageous laws against treason”

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Appears to be composed of brass, but is actually made of iron-y.

I dream of the day when I step onto a commercial flight airplane and find every passenger wearing one of these thing. I have to put on headphones and listen to white noise to avoid hearing my co-workers legal woes, technical monologues of interest to no one, etc.

Well, she did convince me to whitewash her aunt’s fence.

Smile when you say that, pardner.

This is a doctoral thesis, right?

I want Human Resources on this. Those jokes they wrote were top-notch.