During the entire press conference, Abdullah’s face screamed “fucking seriously? This guy?”

If you ain’t goin full nude on the beach to reapply, your doin it wrong.

As a member of the itty bitty titty committee, bathing suits have been slipping down/flopping off my chest for years.

Yes monokinis are the shit. Covers up the pooch while letting the rest of my freak flag fly.

YUP.

When the riots start in LA, I hope they raid Calabasas first.

This morning.

You can come from a blow job?

...

EXCEPT THAT POSITION HAS GOTTEN NO WOMAN OFF, EVER.

I’ve always felt Amber is second to Angel Deradoorian, and frankly, her lack of commitment to everyday stimulates just confirms it.

I’ve gotten a few pieces that have held up surprisingly well. Everything else was like toilet seat liners.

The TSA wouldn’t let me thru security with my son (for a domestic flight) because our last names didn’t match, and I didn’t have a birth certificate on me.

I think it would be a logistical nightmare for a kid not to have either of the parents last names. All because Special Snowflake Crumple-Bottom Butterscotch sounded REAALY COOL.

WAKE UP PEOPLE- TINTED MOSTURIZERS ARE A MOTHERFUCKING SCAM!

WAKE UP PEOPLE- TINTED MOSTURIZERS ARE A MOTHERFUCKING SCAM!

Thank you.

Juice boxes+funnels make the ultimate low key flask.

This is truly the best trick.

I do all the aforementioned shit in my own time (except I only tits grab longtime friends, who have legally signed them over as joint property), but still manage to put on robotic facade at work.

HELL YES.