Star for the 3 seashells. I don’t have a bidet, I just swear until I get enough tickets to wipe my ass.

I was a lifeguard at a waterpark for a few summers. How good or shitty your day went mostly depended on what rotation you were able to get, and who else was on it. And it was definitely shitty to be a shallow guard (at 15, you could be a guard, but only in 4ft or less, and I wouldn’t have trusted most of those kids to…

I use this, and hate it, because it usually means “We both know you should have figured this shit out already, but now I need to ask you again. I’m not sure if you’re incompetent, stupid, or just bad at your job. Please advise.”

I’m currently in an email war with several people (one of them is actually named Becky). Needed this.

I keep my fucking receipts. Here’s a detailed list of all the ways in which you are wrong.

“Wirch Hunt”

Of the very few words he knows, he still fucked this up.

So, about this time last year, we closed on our (first!) house, and this year, it is 101 years old (I don’t actually know the date it was built, but it was in 1918).

The previous owners cleared out almost all of their things, but left a baseball bat in the master bedroom (which, sure, I’ll keep that under the bed,…

My first thought reading the headline was that he literally got his hand stuck in a jar of jam, and started calling world leaders to help him out.

Yeah. This reminded me of a time I got grounded for cutting a hole in the knee of a pair of pants my aunt had bought me, and telling my parents it happened when I slipped during gym. It was OBVIOUSLY a scissor cut, and they were so pissed off because CLOTHES COST MONEY, HOW UNGRATEFUL ARE YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!

I…

Fucking seriously.  WE INTERRUPT OUR SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING FOR BREAKING NEWS:

I literally bumped into Shohreh Aghdashloo while she was coming out of a hotel smoking lounge and I was going in. I stopped and stared for a second too long, and she said “Hi” in that “Uh, hi, weirdo, do I know you?” kind of way, and I meeped something like “hi? sorry!”

I will never stop imagining what might have…

Of course, so now they’ve got him for destroying evidence.

(/s, and fuck this bullshit. “Better understand their experience”? You called the FBI on a dude for taking a shit. The only thing to understand is that the passenger and crew member who “raised concerns” are idiot bigots).

Oh, you mean Jack O’Neill (two “L”s - there’s a Jack *O’Neil*, but he has no sense of humor)?

If a glass is visibly dirty, these people don’t send it back and ask for a clean one, they just put a straw in it? Are they worried there might be some dirt they can’t see? Because by that logic, you’re also eating off of “dirty” plates and bowls and silverware... why is the line drawn at glasses? 

I really think that’s just an inevitable but minor annoyance. You’re in a restaurant to eat. Unless you’re eating alone (nothing wrong with that, I do it all the time), there’s a good chance at least someone at your table is mid-chew any time the server stops to check in. Especially if it’s busy, servers can’t just…

Jesus.  Fucking.  Christ.

When I was in HS in the late 90's, we had to go to an anti-drug assembly that featured a local Bush cover band.  It would be funny now if I could remember some of the lyrics, but I don’t think anyone could blame me for destroying all memories that it happened, except for the fact that it did.

This. Completely. And while I know the popcorn is going to get cold eventually, I don’t want to eat the awesome hot popcorn during freaking trailers, but I also don’t want to wait and miss out on all the hot popcorn goodness. I had to sign over my first born for that tub, you can be damn sure I’m eating as much as I…

Yikes. My husband’s family is awesome (my MIL actually *is* my boss, and working with her is genuinely delightful), but my family? Oh lord.

They don’t really meddle in our shit, but they do like to try to goad us into political conversations, and treat us like we’re children. We got married shortly after I graduated…

My dad told me that if he ever caught me smoking pot, he’d call the cops on me himself. So I just never let him catch me.

I was actually a pretty tame teenager, and I turned out just fine (well, the ways I didn’t have nothing to do with pot). But I swear, my dad’s idea of a “wild night” is putting chocolate syrup in…

Ha, I got that one, too, and my glasses *are* kind of large...