You devil, you.

This sounds like it should be a scary story entry, tbh.

Yes, to all of that.  They’re WAY overthinking it. Tipping isn’t a fucking calculus problem. Round up to the nearest dollar, tip 20% on that. At least a bit extra if the server (and yes, that includes delivery drivers) is particularly awesome.

Oh, I’d never heard of Sabbath mode for appliances before, but did a quick wiki, and that’s really interesting! We bought a house recently from a Jewish couple, and while I don’t know how observant they are, I was thinking “at least quite” - you can see the spots on all the doorways where their mezuzahs were.

Same experience with asparagus - I’d only ever had it canned and boiled, but when someone convinced me to try grilled (in my 20s), it was a revelation. The other “vegetables” we’d frequently get were canned tomatoes, straight from the can, spooned onto wonderbread. Blech. And we HAD to eat them. I used to cut the…

It doesn’t, but now I’m going to use it anytime other white people try to get all conspiratorially racist with me. “The fuck did you just say, you feckless cracker?”

I haven’t realized this dream yet, but I want to have sex on a diving board. It would be gross because of how many feet have been there, and because I know what happens in pools. They’re all 60% pee, 30% farts, and 9% chlorine.  The last 1% is water.

I just think it would be fun and bouncy. And then we could go for a…

Not to mention the fact that if you don’t value my friendship at all, I’m definitely not getting into a relationship with you. I’ve had dude friends in the past who straight up stopped talking to me after I turned down their romantic or sexual advances. All that tells me is you never really gave a shit about *me*, you…

Right? Literally, when was the last time you actually spoke the words “Long John Silver”? I don’t need to wait, because the answer is never. Someone in marketing is getting a bonus this year.

I’d pay $20 to NOT find out what the “Tucker Carlson Lunch Special” is.

Aw, give the man a break.  It’s not like anyone else was gonna do it.

I’d forgotten that Long John Silver’s still existed.  I’m 50% sure this is just a marketing ploy to make them seem relevant again.

“Karma can be the most bitter and petty of bitches.”

Challenge accepted. 

Dude is definitely a fucking racist, but who the fuck FRAMES AND DISPLAYS a blank KKK application? Like... what? Did you...? Why? The confederate flags weren’t enough, you had to fucking FRAME your KKK application, and then you’re all “we’d like to set things straight, but we can’t because lawyers.”

Boo-fucking-hoo.…

Also good for *forseen* swordplay. I’ve only been to two weddings as an adult, but both involved D&D at the bachelor/ette parties.

A couple of my friends are engaged right now... they’re going to be so annoyed when I show up to the wedding in chainmail.

Yes. For fuck’s sake, sometimes I just want to staple a card to my forehead that says “If you comment on my body or what/how I’m eating, I will stab you.” Because you know what’s super helpful when you have an eating disorder, or are losing or gaining weight because of an illness or health problem? NOT THAT.

If I…

Counterpoint: Icky bar fruit is still better than ever ordering any “fresh seasonal fruit bowl” or whatever because you know that shit is going to be 90% cantaloupe.

I would very happily take the middle seat between your dog and kristinbytes’.  Best.  Flight. EVER.

It’s gonna be a sequined t-shirt!  :)

LOL, I love this story, but I am still confused about why they’d suggest an eye patch in the first place. “Hey could you please stop staring at my dog’s butthole?” “Sure, if you get her an eye patch.”

But It’s all good. I don’t have to understand, I just need“They suggested the eye patch for my dog because I told them…