You had me at “oatmeal cookies without raisins.”

No love for the Screwball? If I don’t power through some passable sorbet just to get to a frozen gumball that is going to chip my teeth, it’s not summer.

100% genuine, too. I will heart Screwballs forever.

I moved recently to a neighborhood that has ice cream trucks, and there are problems. 1) I don’t often have cash.…

I rent an office that has a private bathroom, and generally work alone (it’s the master bedroom of an old historic house, the whole thing has been re-purposed as small business office space), and every weekend, someone comes in to clean, take the trash and recycling, general officey things. And they always leave an…

I am misreading in an entirely different way.  Who is the sequined eye patch for?  If it’s for the lady who keeps staring at your dog’s butthole, you’ll need two, so maybe just go for a sequined sleep mask?  Or is it for the dog?  I guess you could cover a butthole with an eye patch, but adding sequins is just going…

That’s a fucking teal dear from one asshole shielding another asshole.

What is that expression on his face? It’s not a genuine smile. He looks like a fucking puppet who just became a real boy (probably right when that photo was taken), and is trying out his new face muscles. “This is a smile, right? Am I doing it? Why do I have to say- oh, ok, CHEESE! I did it, I did it!  Did I do it?”

I…

Not just perceived helplessness, but *actual* helplessness, and their inability to understand why you’re doing what you’re doing.

And the spitting thing... I’m pretty sure dogs don’t care, but for humans, that message is loud and clear.  It’s something done with contempt and the intent to humiliate the spit-upon. …

Legit just laughing my ass off at “french-kissing mayonnaise jars.”  Alas, I have but one star to give.

I could have died happily having never read the words “Keep strong in the face of mayo-love”, because “EWWWW, IS IT ON MY FACE?” but thank you.

THE FLOOR IS MAYO. I would rather step in lava.

The best time to wake up is 2-3 hours before your alarm goes off. You’re like “Fuck, do I really have to wake up?” *check clock*. “Oh fuck yeah, more sleep!”

The worst time is 10 minutes before your alarm goes off. You’re disappointed that you have to wake up without a real chance to fall asleep again. You’ve probably g…

Starred because it made me laugh, and then I was horrified because someone might think this means I endorse mayo, the foulest of condiments. I wholeheartedly do not.

You can keep the star, though.

I’ve mostly lucked out on vacations. The mishaps have mostly been minor disruptions that worked out in my favor in the end. My flight home from Italy was delayed for a week because of the volcanic eruption in Iceland, but then I never would have had the chance to see Venice. I lost my good sneakers in Seattle, but had…

This, exactly.

I *hate* the way I look in photos and videos, and would never ever want to be on TV (or go viral on youtube or whatever). It would be worse if the whole point was my humiliation.

But if I needed whatever compensation they offer in order to pay rent, or a mortgage, or fix a roof, or just fucking feed…

Holy shit. I don’t know if it was a part of their company, but I did go to a “Kampground” once on Long Island when I was a kid, and pretty much all I remember about the trip was that after the first night, my parents were told they couldn’t have two tents on the site (one for them, one for me and my sister).

Nah, he just rolls with my slightly morbid sense of humor, and I’m fairly sure (I can’t be positive) that he’s not a werewolf. Lunar cycles don’t mean shit to him.

I love this bit, and still refer to any menstrual cramps as “gut agony.”

Ha, I expressed this fear to my therapist once - that I would die in my sleep or something, and there’d be no one to feed my cat for days, and she would end up eating my corpse, and he was like “what a beautiful gift you’d be giving her!”  He’s not wrong.  I really did feel much better after that.  My cat can eat me…

Whoever the next tenant was would easily place in the Scary Story contest.  Assuming they’re still alive to tell the tale.

What is with these comments? I didn’t read this as a hit piece - I came away thinking he’s basically nice and smart, and a little insufferable about it, but I’ve dated, like, three Petes. I’m not sold on him as a candidate (there are so many to choose from!), but he sounds like my type, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ . If he ends up…

I HAVE SUDDENLY GONE FROM ANNOYED TO EXCITED ABOUT HAVING TO RE-SET MY PASSWORDS THIS WEEK.

Obviously, I can’t share my ruminations, but whatever I decide on, it will make logging into my email marginally less awful.