I need to know if that’s a real Starter jacket.  Also, while he looks ridiculous in it, it’s probably comfy for a quickie.  “Hang on, babe.  My jacket doubles as a sleeping bag.”

SPOILER ALERT: Sparks wanted to go caroling on Christmas Eve, but Fogelman was like “Nah, I don’t want to.” So he was ALONE, SPREADING JOY DURING THE BLESSED HOLIDAY SEASON, but then got hit by a car. And now Fogelman feels super guilty (why didn’t he protect him?!  WHY?!!!!), so he ALWAYS GOES CAROLING NOW, but he’s…

PUFFY STICKERS OR GTFO.

Seriously, I might actually buy this: https://www.amazon.com/BeYumi-Different-Stickers-Scrapbooking-Including/dp/B071LGPLPW/ref=pd_lpo_vtph_bs_img_1/137-3259915-5690913?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=T6EBXF4BV5W9BARGJGHH.

And then roll around in them on the floor while my husband quietly and gently…

My co-worker is bringing me some pasta salad. Should I put it in my mouth or my vagina?  HOW MANY POINTS DO I GET.  URGENT QUESTION.

I’m not really a fan-fic person (also, not a fan of either), but I have to believe there’s some universe where they just fuck on a Thomas Kinkade painting, then fall asleep in each other’s tears.

AHHH! One of the characters on The Expanse used one of those, and I thought: “oh man, I wish I had one, but I bet it’s just something they invented to look future-y.” THE FUTURE IS HERE.

He dumped me at an Outback Steakhouse on Long Island.
I think I win.

He was just thinking about ice cream. He’s barely competent enough to play Connect Four.

I could grease a cake pan with his forehead, but I won’t because I know whatever’s going on up there is totally rancid.

Let’s just throw some Swedish Fish at his dumb ass-mouth (not a typo.  He is dumb, and has an ass-mouth), and call it a day.

Yes. There are some bullshit comments about “stealing is wrong, MY child would never do that!” and I fucking can’t deal with them.

This isn’t the point, but how is he always so fucking sweaty and greasy? Take a fucking shower, dude.

Also what the fuck is that ring. I get it, you’re rich, that’s a big-ass diamond, but it’s fucking ugly you feckless (omg, today has been too long and I’m mad at everything).

I probably shouldn’t tell you about Lilo & Stitch... I think I’m just going to cry a lot tonight.

Fuck me, I just passed on buying a house today (there’s only so much wood rot and lead paint we can deal with), but I’m only kind of joking that if we could get Vanilla Ice as a contractor, I would reconsider just for the lulz. (and omfg I really loved this house, but we’d have to tear half of it apart and rebuild it.…

“Hey honey, what do you want to do for dinner tonight?”
“Don’t ask, just order a pizza.”

Whoever wrote that episode is a monster and a genius and I hate them and want to give them a hug. I’m not watching Jurassic Bark right now and sobbing, I swear :/

I’m not even going to pretend that I didn’t love The Following.

This is on constant rotation on my “holy shit, I need a good cry right now” playlist.

The name of the movie is kind of saccharine, but damn, why do I find Willem Dafoe so incredibly sexy? 

Also, got to go to the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam a few years ago.  IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING.