The fuck are they doing to that poor dog?

*Applause*

WTF did I just watch. Also, you are not K.D. Lang.

Ah, the one thing that’s only communicable to white people. I’m sure she’s got it, poor thing.

I immediately thought “The Talking Heads”, because like... I’m not going to build all this shit again, but someone needs to.  

I have asked my husband about this, and his response was “Well...we just don’t care if you know we’re pooping.” And I think it’s true. Since then, I spend a lot more time reading magazines or fucking around on my phone instead of messing with the faucet.

I think there was also a lot of pressure to have A Wedding, and not just *your* wedding, in a way that younger generations don’t feel as much now? If that makes sense?

Hotter take: cook your food over a wood fire, lazy motherfuckers.

I take comfort in the fact that you think we’ll still have the internet and electricity in five years, rather than the slim hope that we can create enough fire to heat up Ted Cruz’s expired Campbell’s soup stash during the coming apocalypse.

I had an ex where thing ended pretty amicably, still ran in the same social circles occasionally, everything seemed cool. But one night I hooked up with a guy he didn’t like, and he shouted at him “I USED TO LOVE THAT GIRL!” Like I’d been defiled, and it was a personal offense against him.

Can anyone confirm that Betsy DeVos graduated from school? Like, A School, or Any School, or maybe That School? I’ll eat a shoe if she can spell “education” without looking at a dictionary.

*sigh*

What about the lady who shits in the dressing rooms at the Walmart?

I’ll follow you down, but not that far.

Oh, I will definitely need weed for that. Hook me up, presumably the least worst Lannister.

Though he’s probably not capable of even that level of self-reflection.

This is my only, AND THE MOST IMPORTANT question, when it comes to Calista Flockhart.

I used to sneak out the window of my bedroom and lie on the roof, just look at the stars, and play “Never is a Promise” over and over again on my discman. I miss that me.

I still hear “First Lady”, and think immediately, for one blissful second, “Michelle Obama.”

Well, it’s going to swell up and engulf the Earth in a few million years, so we might as well nuke it all now, amirite? THE SUN: TERRORIST SUICIDE BOMBER, JUST A THING IN SPACE THAT HAPPENS, OR LIBERAL CONSPIRACY? Find out with Sean Hannity. Spoiler: not the rational explanation.

*sobs into a pillow*