Pig toilets are a thing? Pig toilets are a thing? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I thought mine was a one-off, but you're telling me there are more of them out there? Fuck. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I thought I was free of the nightmare. Now I have to live with the chilling thought that there are more of them out there! Pigs,…

I don't have a screen door on my second floor balcony and my cat likes to sit up there and take in the night air. One night at 3am I woke up to the familiar howl of a cat with a trophy. Generally these are mice that my cat has caught so she either eats them or I take them by the tail and throw them off the balcony for…

A few years ago, in my free-wheeling salad days, I spent a few months backpacking through China before travelling down into northern Pakistan to teach English for six months. It was such a great adventure. I spoke about ten words of Mandarin, but man, I had fun. I especially loved Xinjiang, in the far west of China,…

"She wasn't getting pregnant fast enough." I am a guy and not into women or having children and this still enrages me. I cannot imagine being made to feel bad about my reproductive abilities, especially if I wanted to have children. What a piece of shit.

It was a very warm September night in downtown Toronto when my fraternity decided to have their first weekly meeting of the new year Usually attendance at weekly meetings was semi-optional with a general understanding that so long as you attended one or two a month you were generally good to go. The first meeting of…

I always had so much cash on me when I lived in Pittsburgh. Those $1 beers at Hemingway's aren't going to pay for themselves!

This column would be drastically reduced if there was a $30 dipshit surcharge at restaurants.

I wouldn't mind a burger with blue cheese on it, but I have no idea how much to put on there. PLEASE, DO IT FOR ME, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST PUT ON THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF BLUE CHEESE THAT I LIKE ON MY BURGER OH GOD I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD!!

Heh, right?!

A friend of mine got told on the Fourth of July that her husband wanted a divorce. He blamed her for everything - she was too in to her career, she wasn't getting pregnant fast enough, and a bunch of other douche canoe things in a list that smelled, shall we say, fishy, from the beginning.

He insisted I was never allowed to fart or burp in his presence.

My fiance and I had been engaged about 5 months by this time. He was moving in with me, but we got into a huge fight. One evening I accidentally burped. He insisted I was never allowed to fart or burp in his presence. Ha! I'm not one to get into farting contests or burp my ABCs, but occasionally one would slip if I…

Mine was probably the most cliche. My wife had accidentally sent me the email she meant for the other guy. For the first time I understood what it meant when people say, "that it felt like all the air was sucked out of the room." It felt exactly like that. What a horrible day that was. Two years later and that…

Took the kids on vacation with my mom, because ex-husband was sooo adamant about not missing work/not kenneling the dogs. Fine, whatever, couldn't change his mind. Came home a day early because we were exhausted, walked into the house with my 6 month old and 2 year old to see him screwing our barely legal…

Chipotle has been a thing around me for a few years, but I still haven't tried it.

I fucking HATE that. CHIPOTLE. L AFTER T, FUCKERS.

Steve Roberson's story reminds me of a former boss. She insisted on pronouncing "Chipotle" as "Chipoltee." Even when I had used the word "Chipotle" previously in the conversation, she still said "Chipoltee." Drove me batshit crazy. She also said "bond fire" for "bonfire".

I think the dumbest thing I've ever heard at a restaurant was some lady asking for french fries with no salt (that's not the dumb part). When she was served her huge mound of fries, she started dumping packets of Sweet-n-Low on them. Her fellow diner asked her why she would do such a thing and the woman said "I like…

When I used to work at an electronics store I had a customer come in and ask for a wire. I asked what kind of wire? She said the one for her computer. I asked did you need sata cable, ethernet, phone...? She looked at me like I was an idiot, and said the wire that goes into the wall. I finally figured out she…

I once had a middle aged male customer ask me what the difference was between onion rings and fried mushrooms. I thought he was teasing at first. He wasn't. I couldn't think of a response besides, "Well, one is deep fried onion and the other is deep fried mushroom." The rest of his group was as equally puzzled as…