explaining it to the housekeeper is really the awkward cherry on top of the awkward cake in this piece. I once sublet a house from a 60 year old man and got a LITTLE BIT of period blood on his not-very-expensive IKEA sheets. I put them in the wash, but they didn't totally wash out (because blood) and then he was like…

Steal Trap Vagina will be my new feminist band name.

WHAT WERE THE DIRTY THINGS SHE SAID, I WANT TO HEAR THE DIRTY DIRT

Addendum: He is engaged to a good friend of mine now. Every time I run into them I have to wonder...

Yeah, I'd be especially concerned if the condom thief was a girl who said "I want you to put a baby in me."

THE POPSICLE

One time I was with a dude for the first time and right in the middle of fucking he half-shouts "WHOSE PUSSY IS IT?!"

And flame face. Flame face took me to a nice restaurant to show off his nice expense account. He was a blind date set up by my mother, who is also responsible for Fat Elvis and Ramen Noodle Truck Stop Man. Anyway, he had a lot of product in his hair. A lot. And he somehow managed to catch his paper menu on fire via a…

It was sophomore year in college. I was seeing this guy, Joe, who was really just awful. He cheated and lied constantly, yet I couldn't stay away. We were on a break and he came over to my dorm to try to get back together. Perhaps he had just watched American Pie because he suggested oral sex as a way to win we…

Do you like stories involving death, romance, resurrection, and penises? WELCOME TO MY LIFE.

Semi-related story wherein I am the bad roommate, but since I lived alone at the time there was no one for me to complain about myself to in the first place:

I completely support your Elise statement.

I know I can't beat the legend of the "crusty dildo" but I'll share my Senior year hell just the same.

No, I win. Nope. Nope nope. I win. Okay. Here goes. It's long but (I think) it's worth it.

Re: pee towel: WHAT WHO DOES THAT

there really are very few appropriate places to vomit. Beyond toilet, I can't think of anything else

Uh...I think the latter story trumps the former story. Please go on...

You have to say who it is. Or at least drop some clues. PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU.

It actually gets worse. A month or so later I was waiting on a four top, two couples, both hetero. I wasn't just guessing, each couple were definitely in relationships as they refered to each other as such and held hands. Both of the guys seemed to be a bit creepy and... Starey. As you know, when this happens as a…