Because Jimmy Fallon is a dumb idiot.

“Hardest Job in the World meets Hardest Drugs in new memoir”

HA! You should pitch this to Lifetime.

I want to fuck ALL of your relatives!

New fusion genre : new mom drug addict memoirs! She’s pretty, blonde, on drugs....AND A MOM 😱

Would U Rather:

Hmmm...I dated a dude from SC once and we did it in the back of his truck one night. Open air, beer, sleeping bags, candles...two naked guys...it was pretty hot.

She forgot her umbrella-ella-ella.

I smoke weed everyday and am probably an alcoholic, but I am well-informed about politics and celebrity gossip. The point is, we’re all going to die in a mushroom cloud.

Plano, TX. A lot of people are complaining about them, but I think they are completely adorable and they help with rats...I wouldn’t let my small dog out in the backyard without supervision though.

Her friends were on just outside my bathroom window a few days ago.

“We don’t need Planned Parenthood... ‘cuz we’re gonna die as misogynistic virgins.” 

They’ve never been with a woman.

Has no one explained to him that oral sex is still sex?

Dear Hollywood,

I speak on behalf of all gay people (just kidding, actually just myself) when I say I do not want James Franco to represent me. Little fucker thinks he’s so subversive! Stay in your lane.

I’m looking forward to I Am Michael, despite how loathsome Michael Glatze is. It’s a fascinating story. And about movies with explicit sex in them like Theo & Hugo or Shortbus, am I the only one who feels weird seeing hard dicks and penetration while sitting with a bunch of people in a movie theater? I always cringe…

And Megan Mullally & Nick Offerman