If only you were able to lift your gelatinous, wobbly arse out of your mobility scooter, I’d ask you to step outside.

The one positive from this is that these stories always remind me to donate to Planned Parenthood. I think I’ll just make it an automatic thing to save time reading about these horrid bellends.

>Idris Elba is from London. Thus, he’s an Arsenal fan.

There are some fans over here, sure, but I don’t know if anyone is clamouring for more ‘gridiron football’. I never know when there’s a game over here until I suddenly see a lot of portly moustachioed gentlemen on the tube complaining about the beer.