You know what I got for Christmas? Oh, it was a banner fucking year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said, "Hey, smoke up Johnny."

My old man's advice was to just "Grow the hell up". Of course, in my depressed state, I thought the best way to get back at him would be to slash the hell out of my upper-thigh. He wouldn't see it, but somehow, I thought that would make things better.

I still cut sometimes - all these years later. What scares the shit…

Okay, I'll admit that I just assumed that was Jessica Chastain in Jurassic World. I mean, I haven't seen it, and obviously I haven't been watching news of it closely. But yeah, I thought the article was goofing saying that it was Bryce Dallas Howard in Jurassic World. (I'm sure it mentions her in the review, I just…

Is that not Schwartz crouching outside the booth?

I had never seen it before, and it's not a movie that I had heard much about. It seems like it's supposed to be a satire something, but it can't figure out what it's satirizing. But it was funny seeing Elizabeth Moss in an early role.

The Last Supper - I just saw that on cable a few months ago. It hasn't aged well.

Mama's Got a Squeeze-Drone! Drone Better, Drone Better, Drone Bet!

The Drones are Alright?

Nope, from the old Droids cartoon.

What's this about a Gravy Club?

Yeah, for some reason, I thought it was asking for ex-governors.

I prefer "Anything Can Happen on Halloween"

For the ladies, try the "Yancey Butler."

I miss "Will It Float". I just love that the segment was given a lot of pomp and circumstance: home game version, theme song, big curtain reveal, accompanying models, hula-hoop dancer, and "Grinder Girl". I also got a kick out of the back and forth between him and Paul over reasons why they felt the particular object…

Oh man. Now I'm going to be melancholy the whole rest of the day. Lovely stuff.

I remember a few years ago it was played on Adult Swim - I would catch bits of it during my bouts of insomnia. I only had basic local cable - which didn't provide any kind of menu that showed what shows were playing. It took me a couple of years to find out what the show was. My friend had recommended I watch IT Crowd…

Sorry.

I think you may have confused shitty 2000-era band Vertical Horizon (that "He is everything you want…" song) with the equally shitty Chirs O'Donnell / Robin Tunney movie Vertical Limit.

I'm mostly basing it off of that movie he did with Jimmy Page and The Edge. And I really do like what he's doing with his label. And, admittedly, I'm probably just as big a douchebag as I perceive him to be. But the picture just makes me giggle.

Man I love that surly Jack White picture that's used for every Newswire involving him. I still like a lot of what he does, but man he comes off as an insufferable prick in interviews.