So you’re saying that wall Trump wants to build is really Candians trying to keep us out?

I can’t buy luxury makeup and skincare at CVS, and I can’t get my hair done, get a facial, or get anything waxed there, but okay.

I love how helpful they are at Ulta.

I like Ulta much better than Sephora.

Ooooh are we posting our rings?

Yep that’s the one. That’s not the part that bothers me though. It’s the marketing to apparently vulnerable women, who then turn around and crow about how they don’t have to leave their kids like some bad mom with a real job. Gross.

After I got engaged, it struck me how weird people are with rings — especially other people’s rings.

Mr. Ferret and I have talked about engagement rings and I asked for a simple sapphire solitaire or halo ring with a white gold band. Fairly straightforward, but I know that anyone who sees it will probably think I’m trying to copy Kate Middleton. And I promise I’m not. If I didn’t like sapphires so much I would have…

Has Trump ever explained how he would get Mexico to pay for the wall he wants to build? Because I’m guessing that would go over as well as that time I built a fence and sent my neighbors the bill.

My down-the-street neighbour is one! Lawn sign and everything! I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why he scowled, shook his head and stomped inside after I gave him my “hi neighbour” smile yesterday. I had forgotten I was wearing my Bernie shirt.

Which is especially ironic considering he is talking to Colbert who was literally an imitation of himself a year ago.

Why? Because our lives are mundane drudgery and all of us want something, no matter how brief and stupid, that is magical and special to happen to us. No one gets an owl at age 11, no one follows a white rabbit down a hole. We sustain ourselves with fictions because reality is mostly an awful, cold place where you…

So he never had sex with a woman “that old”. A woman in her late 30s. That’s considered “really old”. WHO THE FUCK DO THESE GUYS THINK THEY ARE? LOOK IN THE GOD DAMN MIRROR YOU LOSERS! I’m 42 and I wouldn’t let your average looks anywhere near my pussy! I fucking hate deluded men who think they are god’s fucking gift…

Also, note that for this subject in particular, the employee really has to have screwed up in a unique and interesting way for anyone to have a reason to care about the story. If you specifically requested a sandwich with no mayo, and a server then brought you a sandwich with mayo on it, well, I’m very sad for you,…

Fun Fact: Tippi Hedren is the reason why so many nail salons are run by Vietnamese:

I became somewhat close with a manicurist during a time when I was getting my nails done regularly. We weren’t friends, but I liked her and we did have real conversations about things. Among other things, she told me about how she and her husband got to America, beginning with paying someone to help them stow away on…

This was a great year for black women and this right here was a great speech I was crying

There’s a great interview that she did - I think maybe it was with Seth Meyers? - where she said that as a child she wanted to change her name because no one could pronounce it, and her mother told her: “If they can learn to say Tchaikovsky and Michelangelo and Dostoyevsky, they can learn to say Uzoamaka.” Truth.

Realistically, I don’t have a chance in hell of bringing Yelp down, but I’m sure as hell still going to try.

Ho ho! Oh, you’re FUNNY. Don’t be an asshole.