Every night is Caucasian heritage night at baseball games in Utah

It’s like Bosnia & Herzegovina.

Not fucking, this is a great color for you.

SPF30 is some melanin haver shit. Us true day walkers require SPF50+

Stan is awesome. You shut your square mouth, you fucking square.

“don’t swipe too much nail polish on a nail at a time”

This casting makes our hearts hurt a little bit, and I’m sure you know why... [snip]

The sterilization was just the end step in the program starting in her childhood that created her to be an assassin, so yes, her monsterness was pretty much forced on her. It wasn’t “Oh I can’t have kids, I’m gonna go murder some folks”, it was a coldly deliberate step to ensure she had nothing in her life other than…

BAHHHHDY LANGUAGE

Rep. Rob Taylor (R) attended, but turned his back during the blessing. This, he believes, is what Jesus would have done. “Jesus would be in the chamber, from my perspective. He would passively protest,” he told reporters.

Same story, different party. I was in college at a friend’s engagement party, slow dancing with a good friend who I intermittently slept with and had a tiny, silent but DREADFUL, eye-watering fart slip out. I knew it was gonna be deadly but thought I could “dance” us a few feet away to avoid the worst of it.…

OH MY GOD!!!!

Just today a contractor called to talk about insurance. He told me I sounded like I could be his daughter. Then he said “Just pretend I’m your daddy.”

I never knew how desperately I needed to see a dog try to catch a taco, but now that I have, I'm just so satisfied.

She'll get no sympathy from her roommate, the tiny violin player.