But my butthole is still an option, right?

Your list of petty turnoffs is a bigger turnoff than all the turnoffs you mention. 

Why does the timer on the gif say 34 seconds?

As someone that uses Tinder, I can’t stand the basic girls unoriginal profile bio. “Must love dogs, The Office, brunch, I’ll lie about how we met, You can find me playing with the dog at a party, must love pizza, Rose all day, need a plus one for wedding season, looking for my swolemate, etc”

Back when I used dating apps, I had one lady completely ghost on me just because I offered to pick her up at her place. It wasn’t until a couple weeks later that it dawned on me she probably thought I was a serial rapist for trying to get her address.

Long ago, in the before times, when I wasn’t married, I primarily relied on my musky aroma to attract women. I have no idea how I’d ever hope to make myself appealing in a dating app format.

Yeah, you can do a hell of a lot worse than “kinda boring”.

Tinder wishes “basic bro” was their worst type of user. Dating sites and apps are plagued with creeps.

Hey man, some people just like vanilla ice cream and really identify with Toby.

Dating was always a goddamn nightmare, being single is where it’s at.

nah, me fortran

Nothing, but there’s a type of person who hold liking it as a defining character trait and that’s less than ideal.

I’m so glad I’m old and married, because these dating apps sound like a goddamn nightmare. 

you basic

Back in college I had to specifically tell the restaurants to make my food as spicy as they could before they’d get it to a level that I wanted. There was one Indian restaurant that did it without me asking and it was honestly one of the best days of my life. I still think about that Chicken Vindaloo regularly.

If I don’t hallucinate a fox speaking to me with the voice of Johnny Cash, it’s not hot enough.

Look who thinks he’s the pope of chilitown!

If it’s about laying off the insanity peppers, I’m way ahead of you. 

You can either, request it spicier, move on to another restaurant, or bring your own spices.