So the logic here is that if we stop monsters from mowing down children in school, other people will commit...other crimes? To fill the, what, crime vacuum? Well, fuck it then, let’s not do anything about crime if it’s gonna be steady no matter what. Man, someone should tell Jeff Sessions about this. We could save so…

Really, super opposed to domestic violence, if it ever happens, which, I mean, a lot of these women lie so maybe domestic violence has never actually happened, it’s a myth like Bigfoot or the female orgasm, you know?

Australia instituted draconian gun control followed up with rigorous enforcement. It went from a place with a lot of mass shootings to a place with none. So the idea that gun control absolutely cannot prevent mass shootings is a blatant lie, and done so for effect. (The effect, of course, is announcing you’re a ghoul…

Agreed, but being a shit person isn’t necessarily an impediment to being an effective public servant. Being a shit person who is hiding a bunch of shit and is thus vulnerable to blackmail...that’s a bit of a different story.

Quick explanation in the off-off-off chance you’re serious: No one is alleging that Daniels is a prostitute. No one has EVER alleged that. She is, if the allegations are true, a person with whom Trump had an extramarital affair. On it’s own, that’s no big deal. But here’s the rub (so to speak): if this is true, it’s…

“Okay guys, I looked at some instagrams of, like, people who are super duper poor. I am TOTES ready to be like so relatable. Did you know the poors go to, like spin class? With a bunch of other people in a room?”

Check out the new line of Jeff Sessions dog whistles! Now audible to dogs AND humans. Still only available in white.

God it must be fun to be Omarosa right now, just spinning bullshit laced with enough objectively verifiable fact to be believable, then whispering it earnestly to a bunch of suckers.

Antoni looks like a gay John Mayer. This is so far my biggest takeaway from this show.

I’d say the biggest 2 reasons there won’t be another American revolution are: 1. The government is designed to be inefficient and control turns over frequency, so there’s only so much time to inflict damage before the next election reverses things; and 2. There’s a massive, massive power differential between the…

God, she and Trump were fucking made for each other. Neither cares at all about anything other than getting press. Good press, bad press, intensely stupid press - it’s all the same to them. Consciences are for suckers and non-reality TV stars.

What happens when you “grab the nearest blunt object and take to the streets”: the protest is put down with force, you’re used as an object lesson in why even more rights need to be abridged, and people talk about your protest in a “there are bad people on both sides” way. Ultimately does more harm than good.

Trump, mid intelligence briefing on North Korea, flipping distractedly through a briefing book: Guys I have an idea

I hope this ends up happening. It’s gonna be fucking WEIRD - tanks and missiles and shit parading down Pennsylvania Ave while this douche poses like he’s starring in some third-rate movie about a tinpot dictator? Awesome. Massive protests that are sure to outdraw the attendance for the parade itself? Awesome. Two…

“You got more catches than Tom does.” SAVAGE.

Someday there will be a Hamilton-esque musical that includes These Fucking Morons and a rap battle between Devin Nunes and Adam Schiff about the fight in the House intel committee over the release of FISA warrant information.

Timberlake and Fallon are, like, an object lesson in how Hollywood will take anything that is kind of charming and drive it into the ground until you not only hate it, you hate yourself for ever having liked it.

The one thing I found somewhat cool in an episode so maudlin and manipulative I’m considering whether to keep watching this show: when Rebecca is on the phone talking at normal speed, everything in the background happens in slow motion, in a nod to that way that acute trauma tends to stop or stretch out our perception…

I live in South Jersey just outside the city. The fireworks went on for HOURS. My dog was displeased. I was just relieved they were fireworks.

Really would have paid money to have attended the meeting that started with “okay, men, you know how women like chips but they don’t like crunchiness?”