Wait does this mean we can make a thread of made up facts about our political candidates? I'll start: Donald Trump once tried to buy Disney World by presenting Mickey Mouse with a check that just said "Enough money to afford this" and when Mickey Mouse denied the check he punched him in the face.

You’ve got a nice, crisp Tubman coming your way some day.

This never would’ve happened if Chip Kelly were still alive.

“America is at her best when she’s watching Netflix, pigging out on some Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and wearing those PJs that have Maxine from Hallmark on them. Then, I come up behind her and just snuggle in real close. We watch the entire new season of Case Closed, which just got picked up for American release, and we…

He likes America like he likes his wife: Laying on her back, passive, not making a sound, not enjoying herself. Basically a flesh gym sock for him to flop spasmodically on for a minute or two occasionally because it’s her duty.

I don’t think he understood that what he said might come off as vaguely sexual. You see, on his planet, one procreates by exchanging protein streams through one’s tentacles.

Lying down with your back on a mat is standard Ted Cruz dating protocol. The ballgag is implied, not explicitly mentioned (plausible deniability).

Lifelong twins fan here. They will fuck it up somehow.

-$75 million

+1 entire state

Has there ever been a single case of a transgender person attempting to molest a child in a restroom? I’d be more worried about my kids spending time alone with a Republican wrestling coach.

Looks like Watt may have broken his hand jerking off again.

Whoopes!

Elizabeth Warren is the president i want

Pictured, Andy Reid on “Color Rush” night.

Sic burn.

After the way Deadspin was shitting on Kobe all day, who destroyed a Gawker media outlet more: Kobe or Hulk Hogan?

Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!