That was beautiful and heart-warming. What is this salty discharge that is coming from my eyeballs?

If he doesn't mind the fact that I have a bit too much dick when it comes to the genitals department, compared to the vagina only shopping he is requesting, I'd sign up for this. Get paid to work out, "pray" and do whatever else? Sounds better than what I do for a living now.

What caused the break up? Was it cancer? I bet it was cancer. God, I wish he would write a book about someone whose life is effected in some way, shape or form from cancer. I bet people would read the shit out of that. Hell, they'd probably even make it into a movie. Cancer or alcoholism. Alcoholism is important too.…

Pretty sure that's just Becky...

He loses points for not belting out "Dost thou even lift, brother?" in his Gaston voice.

"2 p.m. — FX — Zombieland

I tried a self-created "Half Diet" once, where I decided that I would take whatever normal amount of food I would eat and divide it in half, and then eat that. A whole pizza? No, eat half of it. 4 doughnuts for breakfast? Only eat 2 of them, fatty. So on...

I lasted 4 days in a local pizza place before quitting. I should have never taken the job in the first place because they're the type of place that is *always* hiring, a sure sign that things don't run right within otherwise they'd be able to hang on to help.

Somebody hold the kid down and step on him. No, wait, he's excused because he's got a mental condition and doesn't know better. Hold Palin down and step on her. She's fully functioning and knows better.

She's adorable.

These will never get old.

I worked 12 hours, overnight, on Christmas. And New Years Eve. And New Years Day. And I do not work at or for a restaurant. The world is a sick and twisted place. I'll live.

I don't know the names of the episodes but mine's always been the one with Burgess Meredith where all he wants in the entire world is to be left alone and read his books and finally the apocalypse comes and he survives and gets all excited to be able to do what he always wanted....and his glasses break and he can't…

It doesn't work? I got my ass beat in the middle of a grocery store once because mom refused to buy the sugar soaked cereal my stupid 6 year old self demanded I get, then threw a complete shitshow tantrum over, and I learned right then and there that I should never act like that again. And I didn't.

In my small town the thing to do on New Years when you were a teen was to go to the skating rink and take part in a "Lock-In", where they lock the doors and you skate and "party" all night (which meant 1am).

Maybe it would be less red if he would stop tugging on it. That's how I always know when to stop.

I was big in to Attilla in around 2011 and then promptly forgot all about them until now.

I originally read this story on Yahoo, and the comments...my god, the comments....

What's weird is I own a different, smaller, version of that set that has King Ralph, Matinee, Sgt. Bilko, Ghost Dad and Cop and a Half. I bought it for the John Goodman goodness. Now I'm stuck with a movie starring a rapist as a ghost.

"he save bread" should have been #1 because I mean, come on, he save bread!