When I was a kid, UHF was one of my favorite movies (it still is, but this story pertains to me as a child).

So some random photographer got to see JLaw naked because it's his job. Man, am I ever in the wrong business.

You might say that that chicken was.....honey glazed.

I met Anthony Jeselnik while he was still unknown and it was after he'd opened for Brian Posehn (who I also met and was extremely cool and nice) and Anthony was just getting flat out fucking ignored by every person brushing past him to meet Brian. I had seen him on Letterman and on some YouTube clips so I decided to…

Is that the same Kyle McDonald that wrote the book "One Red Paperclip" that I am currently reading for a second time?

Shaq is a cop now. That kid is lucky he isn't behind bars.

I paid $1400 for the ring. We were three months from the wedding. I had forked over multiple thousands of dollars in catering fees, location costs and other random purchases. 90% of the money I had already spent was "non-refundable" (goddamn contracts).

Well goddamn it.

Just do anal.

What in the fuck are "Speculoos Cookies" ? Is that something they just made up and everyone is pretending to know because "yummy ice cream?"

Arnold's shit-fest "Sabotage" isn't on that fucking list? That fucking movie had so many fucks in it I lost count trying to count the fucking things and ended up fucking bored because that movie was fucking horrible and that was the only fucking fun I had while I was watching the fucker.

Read that three times before I realized it said "nuked" and not "naked".

HE SAVE BREAD!

You might say he....Leggo'ed his Eggo's.

Couple more:

Oh yeah, I also dropped my phone on my face once while lying in bed and holding it up above me to do whatever it was I was doing. Got a fat bloody lip from that.

Which time?

19 is illegal!?!? Oh God. Oh shit. Oh God. Oh God.

Are you ladies *sure* it's not pee? Cause the only way women get pregnant is if you pee in their butts, so it's all connected. I know science.

Oh thank God you said "lived".