“No one will watch the shitty football players play.”

I enjoyed the explanation of the joke more than I enjoyed the joke itself, which I quite enjoyed. Thank you, Joke Explainer.

“Why do the players’ Sperrys have plastic spikes on the bottom?”

I mean if getting suspended for 4 games for Bountygate didn't do it, I don't know what would.

But is this column ELITE?

#HandsUpDontGroundMeAndTakeAwayMyXBox

Excuse me. Sorry. Didn’t mean to step on you. Pardon. Oops. Can I fit in there?

What? Dude’s merely taking up arms for the #DivasRevolution.

It’s A Beautifulllll Dayyyyyy Forrrrr A Letdownnnnn Againstttttt Oregonnnnn

+1

Drew Magary does not care about hurricanes.

550K with a 200K signing bonus. Next year tack on another half million. The point stands regardless of whether he actually made 1,000,000. Blow me.

Thank goodness we can all go to sleep knowing that these millionaires have put this $900 matter to bed.

You've seen Bowling For Columbine, so you should know that Canadian gun ownership is very prevalent, and yet those Canucks don't have the same problem we do.

“how do you steal pancakes?”

“Every greasy cannoli-inhaling specimen from South Philly named Vito and Rocco along with the South Jersey riff raff portion of our fanbase that still crashes high school parties at the age of 32 bought up all the Riley Cooper jerseys that went on clearance at Dick’s sporting goods after he made his racist remarks.”

It doesn’t sound like Ray Rice was convicted of breaking any assault laws. So, how exactly does “against the law” without having been convicted of anything work?

+ 0 - 16

Most nights with my lady, the colors are reversed for me.

Thug life.