At home, I finally peel off the combat boots. My heels are missing their skin and my socks are dotted with blood.

All mob lawyers look alike?

No one with half a brain cared what you said when you were the mouthpiece of the most powerful dumbass in the world, why would anyone care what you think when you are letting your own thoughts slough out of that lie hole?

I cannot claim credit for this concept (I believe it originated from Smitten Kitchen?), but one of my favorite ways to embellish a pot of beans is to make Pizza Beans. It is undoubtedly better with beans that you’ve made yourself, but canned, drained and rinsed beans will work as well - it’s ideal with any sort of…

Wow. A religious schism in my lifetime. Never thought I’d see the day.

Wedge salad with Roquefort, the little lady will have the shrimp cocktail, and two more martoonis, brother. (Palm the kid a folded-up five.)

Ahhhhhh America. The land where if an educator ever hopes of earning a wage that will take them slightly beyond the nerve wracking paycheck to paycheck lifestyle, they have to spend decades of their lives earning a masters degree and numerous certifications in hopes of getting the slight comfort of tenure. But a…

I'm guessing Obama once said something positive about LED-bulbs

 You're not an intelligent person and nobody values anything you have to say. 

“The best part of waking up is 2 girls and 1 cup”

Yeah. I kept thinking how it was like debate in high school - the Dems were like the kids who took it seriously and showed up to the competition thoroughly researched and prepared, whereas the Republicans were like the douchebros who joined debate because they heard nerdy girls give it up easy and when it comes to…

See, I think the real anti-Semites are the evangelical Christians who support Israel only so all the Jews can return there, thus kickstarting Armageddon, in which the Jews will have only two options: convert to Christianity, OR FUCKING DIE.

“You pedal, but you go nowhere. You are trapped in a state of perpetual flight from which there is no escape. It is truly the most vicious cycle.”

This just needs to have an edit with Werner Herzog narrating the ad to make the journey complete.

You can talk all you want about slavery and speeches, but how many times did Lincoln remember to honour Washington and his men who seized the airports?

We can fix it! Singing...

I loved that concert!!

I WANT NOTHING
I WANT NOTHING
I WANT NO QUID PRO QUO.