He’s only waiting for The Orb to communicate its instructions to him.

Rudy Giuliani, a man known for his messy divorces

COMING SOON TO YOUR TOWN:

He and Bernie are too goddamn old. I’ve been saying this from day 1.

Also WTF is going on with Gawker reposting Krystal Ball’s sexy Santa problem from 2010??!!

*looks at shiny, puffy face with glassed over eyes**ahem*

In the land of the dim bulbs, the dimmest bulb is the king.

The worst part about the “dancer” tweet is you know he meant “Flamingo Dancer”

This is going to be hardest on Bristol, Track, Twig, Smock, Groot, Krunk, Willow, Slider, Stub, Twiddle, Piper, Fluff, Carat, Keg, Snuggle, Bop, Rice and Spoit.

Nailed it.

I saw patsies and thought pasties. Yummy tummy hand pies.

I was really hoping for a transcript.... I’m too delicate for that hardcore stuff.

“AND DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ABOUT THE COLOREDS!”

So... Trumpsimus?

Let’s recap:

what happened to cement overshoes and the fuckin East River

At this rate, I’m fully expecting him to nominate a fucking horse.

I’m afraid Boxing Day may have a new meaning in the Johnson household this year.

Enemas seem to be a big part of [naturopathy],”

Well, she probably has something of a Checker-ed past.