This was the first clue:

I think you mean Hair Force One.

Wait, clarification. Was it a...

Asshole before and after prison.

Ugh. If I’m ever eaten by a 23-foot-long reticulated python in the remote village of Salubrio, I hope the villagers who discover me at least have enough respect to film the extraction of my corpse horizontally.

D.B. Pooper

It must be a Monday because all I can think about is where her fingers are resting and that hood is making me nervous.

Go home car, we’re drunk

I’d rather be $kay with this. Maybe something along these lines?

A car with a sense of humor, can’t beat that.

Like you said, you’re not American.

Being forced to watch the White House orientation video must have been tough for him, since it doesn’t mention him. The part about sexual harassment in the workplace must have been uncomfortable.

Obligatory: Why did you turn???

https://www.gofundme.com/victoria-islamic-center-rebuilding

“high output” was a little optimistic...

I’ve also literally owned hammers more exciting.

monogamy took the bone, and matrimony took the balls.