(Johnny Carson as Carnac voice) May the Kleenex boxes you wear as shoes to accommodate your unclipped toenails in your parents’ hermetically sealed basement spontaneously combust

“I’m going to take care of it like I would have taken care of it like it was 1986. Do a few lines of coke, put on Seven and the Ragged Tiger and connect to a few sports-related BBS’s via my state of the art 4800 baud acoustic coupler modem to roast fools left and right.”

Scioscia: Hey, maybe I can come up to your air-conditioned, spreadsheet-lined office and tell you not to sign a junkie for 5 years, $125 million.

“Sports news without access, favor, sports, or discretion.” What was that third thing?” “You like shitty rapping, right?” “Don’t change the.. well sure, who doesn’t?”

(tosses beach ball into the air) (is rejected by Hakeem Olajuwon)

“We’ve all said things and done things that we regret and wish we could take back. I for one regret saying ‘bitch, you aren’t leaving this room’ and ‘I’ll do or buy anything to make this up to you, Vanessa.’”

“Mr. Gilbert, Lebron has opted out of the last year of his deal with us.”

If that batting average is any indication, he’s forgetting his bat on the regular.

(goes to Sir Isaac Newton’s office at Cambridge, threatens him over gravitational theories)

Home Plate Ump: Fight me, Lester!

Looks like somebody’s got a case of the Mudiays.

Judging from the coverage I’m certainly surprised there were 30 selections made in the first round; I knew about LA and NY but frankly some of these other teams sound made up. Orlando? Minnesota? Weird.

“Zero Ways in Which Any Draft Pick Results In The Knicks Winning More Than 25 Games in 2015-2016”

To be fair most every enterprise or venture Leinhart is involved in will be non-profit.

Not only the trillions of non-jokes but the formula has become Mad Lib-able: dumbshit from _____ (town in New England) befriends talking _____ (thing that can’t talk)

“Jeremiah Johnson sweeps 1st annual Mountain Men Awards, thanks bear he wrassled”

Charles I: Wait, wait, roundheads. What if I were to get one of my reform-minded distant relations to assume control of the throne?

I don’t know how the Cavaliers overcame their position player who ignored all of the 3rd base coaches’ signals while hitting and who made pitching changes without authorization.

“Can you take a 10 million dollar pay cut?” “Hell no.” “Ahem (blows pitch pipe, sings tune to insurance jingle) ♪ TAKE THIS FUCKING PAY CUT NOW ♪ “

Wow call your PARENTS because those are bargain BASEMENT prices.