You’ve got that white.

HOW DID THE KID KNOW TO DO CPR

Cocaine and prostitutes would like to have a discussion with you, SIR!

“Just Take these Andrew!”-Jim Irsay

People who say shit like this are basically the equivalent of antivaxers, but somehow even dumber.

Yup, a milder PSA about the benefits of not wearing seat belts is definitely the way to go.

Why doesn’t the NBA mind the player-for-a-day thing when it comes to Derrick Rose?

FUCK! Emma! It’s a “DONGER”!!! Not a “dinger”. It can also be a “dong”

Correct. Which means he’s probably not referring to McQueary but instead to rape victims who received some money for being raped but now are, apparently, 7-figure trust fund babies.

Baylor: “Boy, we’re finally overtaking Penn State for most odious institutional breakdown! Our ‘callousness toward victims’ ratings are unprecedented!”

I once had a woman ask me if we had sex. I was lying next to her, still trying to catch my breath...I though everything went great.

Irvin’s lawyer told TMZ that these latest allegations are completely false: “You expect the public to believe that Michael Irvin had drugs and *gave* them to another person rather than use them all himself?”

“Get the fuck out of town” is coincidentally also the response of anyone in State College, PA to the suggestion that anyone other than Sandusky bears any responsibility.

Drunk driving and sexual assault. Can the Steelers sponsor his visa?

Can the U.S. really have an “international rivalry” with Puerto Rico? Guam, you’re next!

Neither of the teams you mentioned are America.

To be fair, 90% of Mets fans and probably a third of the players hate the Mets.

I hate having those unexpected ejectulations when reaching first base.

My heart literally skipped a beat.

Saw a fellow commuter take a folding lawn chair to the body once, and we had no idea where it came from.