And not one single person told you your zipper was at half-mast? :/

This is honest-to-God the first picture I’ve ever seen of Mark Shrayber, and now I want to adopt him and feed him (and Allen) cookies and leftover turkey and anything else they want because JESUS, THIS GUY IS ADORABLE.

(Editor’s Note: OH DEAR GOD MY COLD, BLACKENED EXCUSE FOR A HEART)

Another serious question - was Judge Kara Brown consulted on the use of shade here? Because I’m not arguing that this is shade (it clearly is), but I just want to know that somewhere in this world Kara sits and judges every use of “shade” still.

...which did not correctly quote him and also inaccurately conveyed the number and amity of the Jews involved.

I've talked about this in comments on Jez before - my husband and I would not be married today if we'd continued to sleep in the same bedroom, much less the same bed. We are so much happier now that we don't want to smother each other with pillows every night/morning. Two thumbs up, would choose again, etc.

I want to learn it, Marie. PICK ME. Jeezus, I need to up my goals in life.

Is there any sort of fund for getting this girl the fuck out of Deliveranceville? I’m happy to donate to her having an out. Or hell, I only live about an hour and a half from there; I’d be happy to go pick her up and move her somewhere safe.

And then set fire to the entire fucking town.

I love how President Obama is all, “Michelle! Look at this shit! It’s the baby Pope. Michelle, seriously, LOOK! THIS KID! <3” And she’s like, “Barack. Honey, I see it. Kid is cute, but take it down to a 3 here, honey.”

All the stars for you.

How about who gives a fuck what verbiage Jia chose because HOLY FUCK DID YOU SEE WHAT THAT GUY DID??

I just CACKLED. It wasn't ladylike, but judging by how hard my husband is laughing, it was hilarious. So thanks.

If this isn’t the next Would U, I might be super sad.

First - I’m super sorry about Lamar Odom. That’s some shit right there.

But now to my point - I thought Brooks Ayers was that one dude on SNL who does the Jebidiah Atkinson bit. Turns out that is NOT Brooks Ayers. Nor is it Brooks Wheelan who is the Brooks who worked on SNL but is NOT Taran Killam the dude who…

You’re kind of my new hero for this, though. #IStandWithPhyllisNefler

Sweet baby Jesus, someone should’ve stopped you about two pictures in, you sadist. What is WRONG with you? ;)

I just realized I probably need some help because I kind of want to try all this shit just to see if its actual level of horrific meets my perceived level of how horrific it must be.

When those goddamn fishermen pants are a thing, I'm going to burn some shit down.

First and foremost, no. I’m breaking out some NKOTB HERE - please don’t go, girl.