I like yours better, but I should have learned from a college friend to say “Wasn’t me” more often. Every time he caught doing anything stupid, he would just say “Wasn’t me” with a super straight face. People would remind him that they saw him with their own eyes, and he stuck to his response. Somehow everyone would…

What I love about this comment is it starts by making you think you’re repentant about your infidelities, then you hit ‘em with the “I should have been a better apologizer” curve ball. Bravo.

+1 humblebrag

I was such a dunce when I was in my 20s. I was caught cheating with various girlfriends on numerous occasions and it never once occurred to me to offer up this mea culpa: “Yes, I did sleep with your roommate but I’m a better person now for it.”

Yes, you are bad at math.

He issued an apology last month, admitting that he took the wrong approach to the situation and saying that he’s a better person now.

There’s next to no chance someone making 30K could possibly scrape together 1500 on short notice without outside assistance, you know that, right?

Full head of hair guys that shave it off should pay a tax to us balding types.

I’ve had sex in the back of a Mitsubishi Eclipse...which at the time was a way bigger deal.

Bullshit. All moneymaking ventures are frauds. Every single one.

My life’s purpose is bigger than football.

“Sorry, Zach. We love your heart but you need to have a stronger spine.”
*Colin Kaepernick looks over*
“NOT THAT STRONG!”

How long until they start demanding to see his birth certificate?

It’s not like they’re going to lose 75 more cats. Deadspin will move on eventually.

My only critique of this: the lyrics are too good to have been written by Phoebe.

What if he replaced it with something a bit more tasteful?

Lifehacker is that 17 year old college freshman who had his first beer and then read a book about beers. Same thing on the Whiskey article earlier today. THESE ARE NOT LIFEHACKS!! This is common knowledge among the non-mouth breathing community

I’ve mastered stirring. It took a lot of ordering Manhattans and watching good bartenders do it (I also flat-out asked a few) but I got that shit down. You should come over and watch me! I barely jostle the ice and the spoon simply twirls in my hand.

Lagavulin.