I know him as Gaius Julius Caesar, from the Rome TV series.

Back when I would go to Chic-Fil-A, whenever I was visiting my parents (so, once a year), I one time ended up with a nice older lady cashier who FREAKED THE FUCK OUT when my change came up to be $6.66. Not even “HAHAHAHA! That’s really weird...” type of thing. Nope, she blanched and stared at the cash register in…

Is it just me, or does she look REALLY embarrassed to be modeling for the line?

She sounds like a lovely lady. I am reminded of a story about my mother. I brought a high school friend over, who was recovering from a recent sports injury, and had been prescribed codeine. She was quite a talker on an ordinary day, and of course my mother listened politely to her medication induced rambling. My…

Another bar story, but I don’t know if it’s a burn, just me being a smart ass. The bar’s crowded and I’m sitting near the taps because I was there first, dude bros. One guy in particular seems to think my chair and I are his personal armrest. After physically removing his upper body from my personal space for the…

This is relevent to my life experiences!

I delivered the only decent burn of my life when I was so young that I don’t remember it, but my mom does. When I was about 5 my mom was up on a stepstool trying to do something and asked me to bring her a broom. In the way of small children I asked, ‘Why?’ and she replied, “Just go get me a broom.” We repeat this…

This just made me remember a great one from a friend of mine at an appointment with a student health doctor. Her name’s Kate, but for some reason this guy called her Katie. Then when she corrected him, he got a little pissy about it and said something like “Eh, what’s the difference?” She looked at his name tag, which…

I worked at a private members club in downtown Vancouver- like a golf &country club with no golf or country. Just the riches, the snoots, the coworkers that seemingly liiiiiivedd for working there. Anyway, in a kitchen full of dude-cooks, there were two badass females. One pint-sized korean who kept quiet while…

My family enjoys delivering sick burns. It’s how we show love. However, sometimes I do a little burn on strangers if they deserve it. Case in point: I run a library. One day, I was doing a walk-around the building, checking in stairwells and such (we’re a downtown branch, we have a large homeless and transient…

Had a friend in highschool that was donkey balls deep into christianity and loved to use the “you can’t disprove it” arguement and be all smug and proud of it. One time he was telling me how great God was or some shit and I say, “Yeah, God’s pretty cool I guess. At least she’s a good lay, I fucked her real good last…

I’m a lawyer, and at the time of this incident was practicing in several fairly small and rural Southern counties. I’d been out of law school for 2 or 3 years, long enough to be tired of the crap I would fairly regularly get from some older male lawyers. I had a trial in the neighboring county, and my opposing counsel…

Unfortunately the sickest burn I’ve ever heard was directed at me by my five-old-nephew. So during March break a year ago my parents and I were looking after him for my brother and sister-in-law. We took him to the Royal Botanical Gardens one day and on our way back as I’m buckling him into his car seat this happens:

My parents paid for my undergrad but I’m still paying for law school. This is important context. My father is an asshole - even people who like him think he’s an asshole. One evening he called ( probably on his fourth JD) and wanted free legal advice about screwing over my mother in some aspect of their divorce. I…

Someone flashed me and one of my friends when we were buying slurpees, she looked at him and then yelled “ lets kill him!” and we chased him down the street with his dick flapping around.

My husband, about a coworker: ”If he’s circumcised, they threw the wrong part away.”

My sister and I were at a Paul Simon concert, and an older, Chaney-esque guy was giving us the hairy eyeball because he thought we were drinking underage. He was technically right, but I was just a few weeks shy of 21, and my sister is only 13 months younger than me, so he was just clueless about what young college…

This happened to me often as well, except it was after practices or games of the athletic sort and from the ageof 11 to about 17. I was forgotten so much (or my parents straight up refused to drive me) that my softball, basketball, and soccer coaches ended up arranging to drive me themselves.

Flying on a plane with your period is just irresponsible. You want to attract flying bears? Because that’s how you attract flying bears.

My horror story? Never had a honeymoon. Couldn't take any more time off after three years of a long distance relationship.