It really is the perfect ‘dad lie’ because it’s impossible to keep your tongue out of there but there are enough people walking around with gold crowns to be examples of proof that it works.

When my kid finally put me on the spot about it I made him promise not to tell little kids there was no Santa. I told him that was part of being a big kid- making the holiday magic for little ones.

Plot twist. My parents really did send a puppy of ours to a barn. But, like setiously I was there. The dog had mastiff blood (which we didn’t know when we afopted her) in her and by 6 months old was gigantic and we didn’t have the room for her. I’ve gotten funny looks when I tell people that.

My dad told me I wasn’t allowed to get my ears pierced until I was 10 because if I did my brains would leak out the holes. At 10, however, your brains are too big to fall out. I semi-patiently waited until I hit double digits and the correct brain size.

Mine told me that he got this horrific scar on his arm in Nam. (he got it slipping on icy steps and getting it caught up in a bannister. When he was 8) I believed him and told everyone. But here’s the weird part. I was already born during Viet Nam and I’m pretty sure that I knew he was stationed in Virginia Beach.

I still get a present every year from Santa, despite it being more than 20 years since I figured out the game. I kind of love it, just because Santa presents have had the exact same wrapping paper for as far back as I can remember—at some point in the distant past my dad bought a dozen or so rolls of it, and it…

“Honey? Where are you?”

When I started to suspect Santa wasn’t real (because my stories never matched up with my friends’) I made a comment about the handwriting to my dad.

I should hope if I’m ever in her situation, that I have a friend as awesome as you to do all of that for me!

Yeah.... My dad’s best lie was ‘I do not have a drinking problem.’

I am so god damned gullible i can’t even remember all of them. Most recently, JUST THIS WEEK, a coworker emailed to say her kid was reciting a poem at his school for the Christmas pageant and that “it would be on CNN.”

When I was little, my sister convinced me that she and everyone in my family were space aliens sent down to kill me. Her real name was Christina and she came down in a beam of lavender light. My real family was dead, btw. I went to my mom, sobbing and she was like, “ you’re nine and too old to believe that.”

^ the definition of friendship.

I have a friend (really) who did 90 days in a Federal camp last year. She told her boyfriend that she was coming out on a Wednesday. She had me pick her up on Tuesday, take her to get her hair colored, eyebrows waxed, a facial and Botox. We stayed in a hotel near the camp that night. The next day she changed back into…

Shit y’all, I just want Macaulay Culkin to be ok, ok? :/

Did your space bar go on strike?

Man, that’s cruel:( Why wouldn’t her parents dispute that? They’re presents, she should be able to do whatever the hell she wanted with them.

Not nearly as wonderful as 1984’s Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie:

Everything about this situation is terrible, but I am stuck on the whole “became alarmed when she saw a great deal of blood” part. Like, what the fuck did you expect?

I instantly like Dunst more than I already did.