1. Hire a sex worker to spend time with her instead!

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that phones you up and starts telling you in extremely graphic detail how he’s fucking your spouse (both of us wearing clown outfits), while repeatedly ignoring your interruptions, only to get to the end of the story (the grand finale involving peanut butter and a gorilla!…

No story is too trivial to share with Savage Nobody! Savage Nobody doesn’t feel it was stupid to mention it to your girlfriend. DC roomie should have been aware of that possibility when she called you. Savage Nobody wishes you and your wife-who-you-don’t-need-to-explain-your-love-for the best.

Savage Nobody feels not letting the assholes win is probably the best thing to do, but there’s always that little voice in the back of your head that says, “Remember the one time you enjoyed this and x happened?”

I really don’t have anything I can say other than I’m sorry about your situation. 

Savage Nobody hopes time will one day allow him to eat his beloved deep-fried baconators without thinking of that penguin incident (the blood got everywhere...). On a side note, I think that asshole you mentioned might be the same one who framed Savage Nobody for burning down his house, which he probably did out of…

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that’s something of a player. Of Monopoly, and other games of that ilk. You can bet that Savage Nobody will pass go and collect $200 dollars and then shove that $200 dollars in your face and brag about how he has more money than you and then rub that money all over his…

The law has never stopped Savage Nobody before! Speaking of the previous administration and soiling yourself, Savage Nobody remembers partying with that president guy once. What Savage Nobody wants to know is, if it’s wrong to soil yourself, is it wrong to get some hookers you’re partying wit to soil a bed the Obamas…

Were you there for Savage Nobody’s last date?

You don’t think Norse Mythology is real? May Thor smite you!

So this is why everyone says Savage Nobody makes a bad first impression. He thought it had something to do with the blood-covered chainsaw he likes to rev for his dates!

Specifically, what age is that? Savage Nobody wants to know whether or not it was wrong of him to soil himself on his last date.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that fucks your first cousin! All of your first cousins!

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that will permanently kill your kinks and libido!

As a forever-term single guy, Savage Nobody completely understands this point of view.

Loving yourself sounds like a great way to spend Valentine’s Day!

Happy six days late anniversary!

That sounds like a good way to relax during a holiday that makes a lot of people stressed.

No better way to celebrate anything than with food!

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that specializes in guilt trips and glory holes!