No, but only because saying you can’t last is an understatement.

Don’t. Let her think you’re a truck. She’ll want to continue dating you because of your ability to transport large objects across considerable distances. Compare that to normal human you; one option is clearly superior.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that’s selfishly dumping people like trucks!

First, let me say that you have good taste in choosing hydrangeas. Second, know that you shouldn’t worry; plants really love it when you wet them. Nothing gets them in the mood quite like regular wetting. Finally let me say that you never have just one chance for polybotanamary

Sure, one guy’s incompetence led to 200,000 people dying from a contagious virus that most definitely can’t be cured by bleach, and the other guy has stressed the danger of that virus and the importance of wearing a mask, but if you remove the 2 from 200,000 you get 00,000. That mean’s they’re practically the same!

When in doubt, I recommend avoiding crazy guys who condone white supremacists and have over a dozen rape accusations against them. But that’s just me. Since I am technically a media personality and am therefore obligated to give equal attention to both sides for some reason even though one is vastly worse than the…

You need someone who can mediate between your heart and brain. I recommend your wiener.

Unfortunately, you can never underestimate the amount of idiots in the world.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that cries after having threesomes with houseplants!

Hell yeah you are! Don’t worry, Savage Nobody can help you return to a state of sexual normalcy. Here is a clown wig for you and an octopus for your wife. Good thing Savage Nobody bought extra when he got those things for a commenter last week. I also recommend you do it in a completely normal location, like the zoo…

No time like the present! Except maybe the past! That’s why I’m recommending you become a time-traveling sex worker!

Hope you like the Ray Bans Savage Nobody picked out for you.

Savage Nobody thinks you should interfere as much as possible, as that’s the sign of a true friendship. However, rather than just asking them directly, Savage Nobody suggests you hint at it by breaking into their home and leaving Ray Bans in various places. If they act freaked out, ask them if they’ve checked their Ins…

Keep your Adam Sandler movies to yourself!

As a professional amateur advice columnist, let me just say I don’t know who among us wouldn’t want advice from someone who banged his wife’s sister on their wedding day! Also let me say we are never letting you live that down!

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that recommends people better understand sex workers by becoming sex workers!

Find yourself a nice octopus-clown/sex worker to settle down with!

1. It should look as much like you as possible. I recommend using your twin brother. If you do not have a twin brother, I would recommend placing an ad asking for method actors to play your twin brother in a movie. An “accident” can then be arranged fairly easily.

Wear both at once! This should make up for the fact that you apparently aren’t planning on wearing pants!

The reason is that she’s actually betraying your evangelical faith because the pool-boy is Satan. I know when you hired him you probably said to yourself, “Well, there are a lot of people with red skin, horns, and goat legs...” or rather that’s probably what your wife said when you doubted hiring him and she thought…