Become a Scooby-Doo villain, of course! If you want to stay in love you’ve got to keep those places abandoned, which means dressing up as an octopus-clown or something and spend all day frightening meddling kids away! Now, you will certainly need funds in order to pull this off, so I recommend that in addition to…

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that doesn’t ever promise you love but does know where you are at all times!

“He shot him right in the classified ads!... No, ads.”

Not unless you’re playing it for a deep-fried chicken.

Only if it survives the deep-frying process. If it doesn’t it’s necrophilia. If it does, you might still need to be a tad gentle.

Consent definitely needs to be given for other holes. And, because this is unfortunately the world we live in, I have no doubt that there have definitely been people who have attempted to, without consent, do much more to those other holes than putting their tongue there...

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that advocates always getting explicit verbal consent before you choke someone, and was originally planning on making some “unless they’re a chicken” joke, but was worried about making light of a serious issue!

Sorry to hear about your situation. Fuck pharma bros and let’s hope things at least change within our lifetime.

One is a potato which is a physical, imperfect potato. The other is a fantasy, which I’m assuming is a fantasy involving a potato, therefore, an ideal, Platonic potato. The difference is that between the physical and the metaphysical potato.

Those were pretty much my thoughts while reading it, too. There really should be a way for people in such marriages to be able to safely leave them without being destroyed financially, especially for people with medical issues like her.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that considers giving good advice a complete fantasy!

This is exactly it!

Let’s just say my pogo stick is now in a better place... By which I mean up my butt.

Let’s just say professional cleaning companies are going to make a fortune. Which is why I want to introduce the world to Savage Nobody Cleaners! The Cleaners that are used to radioactive quarantine jizz!

Both! Makes it hard for most customers, but easy for Savage Nobody! And isn’t that the way the world should work?

I know a person who fits that description. He’s half-Bigfoot, half-submarine, and half-pinata.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column whose fetish is going to McDonald’s on stilts!

Wait for them to attract bees, then stick your ass out at this person and let the bees sting them. You could be a superhero: Bee Butt Man or Woman!

No. Savage Nobody never gets invited to anything, not even his own funeral. As for Emmanuel, last time I saw her she had just traveled back in time to have some adventures with dinosaurs...

That’s funny, last night I dreamed I was Mighty Sampson...