Sure! But I must ask, did this “accident” occur at one of Mr. Wonka’s “parties?” I remember being invited to one of these events which happened to feature a lot of Oompa Loompas who had experienced a similar “accident.” Best party ever.

Sorry to disappoint you, but whenever I post online that I want love and affection and hazmat suit dryhumping, I always get people claiming they want the first two but when we meet up they’re really just interested in getting in my hazmat pants!

I recommend you stay there. It must not be as nice as two person sex limbo, but it doesn’t carry a risk of coronavirus

The second one. 

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that everyone stays far more than six feet away from!

Uh, definitely not me! Crosses out Torches for Sale sign.

Yes. Just be sure to get the Corona Beer virus and not the Corona Space virus. That second one might require you to get a little bit closer to the sun than is safe.

We were social distancing before it was cool!

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that’s been completely isolated from other people years before the coronavirus even happened!

Woah, you might want to wait at least a few more years before dropping that bombshell.

Been a while since Savage Nobody had oysters. Savage Nobody has tried to compensate with snails in his backyard, but I’ve only just realized you’re supposed to cook those first.

It’s okay to do that even when there isn’t a pandemic. 

I believe the proper term is Kinjaphagia.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that apparently got eaten by Kinja last week. Fortunately, Savage Nobody has all day to answer your questions this week since everyone is staying inside for some reason! I think it has something to do with the weather.

Sounds like you definitely don’t have a cat fetish to me. Completely unrelated question: why does the fur on this cat doll I bought from you stick in clumps?

Not if I have anything to say about it! I will chop my wiener off and eat it as a hot dog so that I have the energy to climb Mount Rushmore and hump George Washington’s face only to remember at the last moment that I now have nothing to hump it with and then fall but be rescued by South Dakota Tarzan at the last…

It had a terrific cast. Then the studio decided it would be cheaper and easier to use CGI for everything. The “new cast” has been created by the same studios responsible for Cats and Sonic the Hedgehog.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that DOES want you to be injured while giving deep-throat blowjobs during your definitely-not-gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that) mummification experience!

You should just tell her honestly how you feel. I don’t know if Patreon has an option for only showing certain photos, but it’s worth asking.

Savage Nobody actually plays a little viola*, so for your first three questions, you just draw the bow against the string and keep holding that note. A good conductor can help with that fourth one. For that final one, Savage Nobody has been practicing the Locrian mode** for just such an occasion!