It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that masturbates to YOUR sad memories!

If you can’t climax in this completely normal and vanilla way, Savage Nobody would recommend you explore more out-there options. If nothing else works, you might have to resort to the grossest, most extreme kink imaginable: heterosexual sex in the missionary position between a happily married couple.

1. I’ve never noticed any difference in how someone sings due to their sexual orientation. And even if they do, that’s not really something you should judge them for.

As long as you’re not doing anything more than masturbating, and you and Corolla are both happy, I don’t see a problem.

Corolla, his last name is less common than Forte’s, so people will be more impressed by the coincidence.

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Killing and maiming indiscriminately? That solves every problem eventually. 

Sorry, but being killed and replaced by your own blowjob robot is part of the circle of cocksucking.

Savage Nobody has rarely been confronted with a problem as horrible as too many blowjobs. MiFroChi’s sex worker idea is one solution. Another more practical solution would be to build a robot that looks just like you, which your wife can blow as much as she wants.

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R.I.P. to a legend.

Fine. As fine as a walrus in Texas.

Be happy she’s not replying to you. Any woman who isn’t impressed by your burger eating abilities clearly doesn’t deserve you.

What do you do? You make sure that they have a little “accident.” After they “accidentally” get shoved off the stage, you then “accidentally” laugh at their misfortune.

And Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column for controlling, manipulative, unhinged hypocrites!

Probably not. What does ranch dressing have to do with salad? It might mean something if you were masturbating with a normal salad ingredient, like hamburger or ice cream.

Probably just the logistics of having both actors available at the same time and having a script that fits them both. Also, needing both probably gives the actors more bargaining power; wouldn’t want the execs to have to take money out of their coke fund.

The chance of rain occurring today is about 99%. The chance of it happening in any given area is a bit harder to calculate...

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