Your problem is the problem of not having any problems. Truly, you are the most troubled commenter Savage Nobody has ever encountered.

Because you’re only leaving shit on the toilet seat. That shit needs to be all over the restroom. I’m talking on the floor, on the walls, in the sinks.

I hear North Korea is lovely this time of year.

Show her ASSHOLE’s letter and point out that while you may be a jerk you’re at least honest about it.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that acts like a jerk to you and considers it doing you a favor!

When you say swallow, do you mean with your mouth? Because, if you used a certain other part, you’re eligible for the next “What we got stuck in our rectums last year” column.

Did I mention it works no matter what color sun you’re under?

Super viagra. It’s like normal viagra, only for Kryptonians.

Savage Nobody can be your therapist! I have absolutely no qualifications whatsoever and will probably make your life worse, but it’s completely free of charge!

Well, you could accept that you don’t need their validation or you could stalk your “friends” to discover precisely when they first had sex, get the people they first had sex with to describe how terrible the experience was, film them doing this, post those videos on the internet, and then send them to everyone your…

Hide a gerbil up your ass. They’ll be too busy wondering how it got up there to think about anything else.

I could say penis reduction surgery, but instead I’ll say full castration.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column whose whole output is unrealistic and fictional.

Say your new girlfriend is upset with you because she thinks you have pics of your exes and you need some actual pics to spite her.

Wrong? Well, given their political views, it’s certainly not Right.

You can say you got air stuck in there.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column for gaping holes!

Not if you’re a great favorite! I say shake every inch of what your momma gave you!

Yes, much better to be an indestructible safe than a game of Sorry where players keep losing your pieces.

I, personally am a big fan of the exfoliating properties of radioactive waste. Although it might burn a hole through more sensitive skins.