I can’t advocate violence. I don’t know you or your wife’s situation, but if he’s constantly being awful to her you should definitely (non-violently) do whatever is necessary so that she does not have to interact with him.

So you get upset about me not wanting to be with you and then you criticize my smell? You’re really sending me mixed signals here.

Why would I want to melt myself?

I recommend that you not just go with her family for Thanksgiving, but for all time. Adult adoption is a thing. Although it might be awkward for your wife to become your sister.

Are you implying I smell? I had a bath just 15 years ago!

1. That’s actually not me this time. I know you have that weird second cousin, so I would ask him. What was his name? I think it was either Dave or Cthulu.

1. That’s me, breaking into your house and leaving all the windows open.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column that’s frequently depressing but never whorephobic.

Definitely. That’s really becoming a trend; all the business people I know have switched to one and raved about the benefits. I don’t actually know what the word ergonomic means, but I’m pretty it has something to do with jerking it. Right?

Sit behind his desk and tell him you’re the boss now. He’ll either respect your toughness or think you’re too nuts to mess with.

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column for terrible professional advice liable to get you fired!

That depends. What do you think of me when I say, “I’m evil incarnate?”

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column for people (readers and writer) who are too pathetic for other advice columns!

You should definitely be honest with her about the fact that this bothers you. Tell her you understand how her job stresses her and that you don’t want to force her to follow your schedule 100%, but that you feel she isn’t showing you the same respect and needs to meet you in the middle. Tell her that if she just…

Tell your “scientist” friend that a recent study completely discredits that hypothesis. I have been measuring the effects of pornography for years using myself as a guinea pig, and I lead the extremely enviable lifestyle of living in my parent’s basement. In fact, the only reason I’m not having sex is because I choose…

I think so, but just to be sure I think you should ask her about it. To ensure that she answers honestly, I recommend confronting her about it in a completely unexpected place (in public surrounded by judgmental strangers for example). Be sure to ask her loudly so that she doesn’t misunderstand. If she says that she…

Sorry, I’ve only ever had sex in a bed filled with woodchucks.

I think you should totally do it. In fact, if you really want to mess with her, I suggest that you hit on EVERY woman you know. Even your grandmother. Especially your grandmother. That’ll definitely weird her* out.

I asked my friend, woodchuck Charles Fitzwoodian III, who has actually been in this precise situation.

The answer to both of those questions is the same: your mom.