In the original we found out that when we were in the real world we were inside the Matrix all along. In this new one, we find out that the real Matrix was inside us all along.

First let me say that I completely understand your situation; who among us has not had a mysteriously obtained penis that we needed to shrink? I recommend you put it on ice. The cold shrinks AND preserves. I think.

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Beloved is a book that completely blew me away when I first read it. It combined an unflinching view of human evil with a display of the power of love (both familial and communal) and expressed it all in a mesmerizing style. Rest in peace to one of our finest writers.

I loved the final jump scare where it seemed like all life had been annihilated by the nuclear bombs, but then a radioactive Trump comes out of the wreckage.

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Well first let me commend you and your friends. In this age of depravity and decadence, where people regularly engage in abominable activities such as board games, barbecues, and yoga, you and your friends know how to have clean, wholesome fun. Now, as for the Elder God thing, Kevin caused it so Kevin should be the…

It’s time for Savage Nobody! The advice column whose replies will definitely tie you up (into a knot of terrible life decisions that you’ll be unable to fix)!

As many as you can.

In my completely unscientific expertise, the saliva in your mouth should neutralize any potential sperm cells. But if it doesn’t, Miss Bloom will have material for another musical number, so it’s a win either way.

Neither

Both

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I’m registered with the greatest country on earth, the Glorious Land of Freedom that is North Korea.

I don’t think the solution is to separate your home and work lives. I think the solution is to mix them and dial it up to eleven. I suggest you turn your workplace into a nonstop prostitute party!

Well MANSON, I really don’t follow your train of thought. Why would somebody bother to lie about something as insignificant as whether or not they are a serial killer? You should definitely believe this woman, in fact, I get the feeling that she’s the kind of woman who has a really awesome basement!

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Randall, between this and the piece you wrote on The Passion of the Christ, you’ve really been nailing these articles about religion and pop culture. Great job.

That depends on so many factors: