I’d go with Amy Sedaris.

So to be clear: we’re all gonna send crying Jordan meme’s to this guy’s campaign page now, right?

DO NOT PESTER NON-HUGGERS FOR HUGS. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.

Bass? Dropped.

That’s a long-winded way of saying black.

“Breaking News: Mike Milbury is an asshole FROM BOSTON”

“And just imagine how much better he would be if he had a father figure like me in his life”

“contracting the unicorn virus”

I guess you could abbreviate this stat to BBC

Oh come on, everyone loves BBC

I’m coming up with my new formula. The “Holy Fuck He Hit The Ever Loving Shit Out Of That Ball Classification.” (HFHHTELSOOTBC for short.)

“Well, I’m sorry if you just can’t handle a fan of sport making sure the rules are followed, good sir.”, the dickbag says, just before calling the HOA about those infernal children selling their damned lemonade down the street.

“Rather than trying to argue that the NCAA’s regulations are grossly unfair to the athletes and should therefore be invalid, or something similar, Smack Apparel president Wayne Curtiss instead tries making an irrelevant argument about satire in his response to the cease-and-desist.”

I’m absolutely gobsmacked to see a Deadspin writer cite NCAA amateurism regulations as somehow controlling the business activities of an unaffiliated private business.

Rumor has it the cheerleaders were also part of a pyramid scheme.

I remember being thirsty *all the time* as a kid. The teacher would line us up at the water fountain and chant “1 2 3 that’s enough for me” and it was NEVER ENOUGH. Also “leave some for the fishes”, fuck the fishes, I’m thirsty!

Hey, Meals on Wheels isn’t political, either. But, you know, it’s 2017, and evidently feeding the elderly poor just isn’t a good investment anymore and anybody who says differently or advocates basic human decency is just being ‘political’ anymore.

This is a true story: