Who needs telescopes to predict it? You’ll know it’s about to blow when you hear this

*Richie Incognito throws his father’s arms up in disgust*

Suicide. Is there a shortcut this guy won’t take?

I’m gonna take CornWhole’s expert opinion on this.

Yeah, so... That’s just a butthole.

Oh God, there were so many stars you could have used. What was the need to give these people to the fire, that the symbol of their passing might shine above Bethlehem?

Call it by it’s real name... Rama.

Goddamn, man. This being Deadspin, I want to make a joke...but I just can’t; nothing about child abuse is humerus.

Oh ye progenitors of boymen, with your cleaning concerns, you have not fully lived the adult male human experience until you have fathered girls. And the first born is a freshman. And has started dating, against strong advice of course, a senior. He drops her off at the door one day and there it is, demanding your…

Christ this thread got weird and I do not understand the beating off into a color-coded handkerchief.

Once they’re all teenagers, a little shit in the shower is nothing compared to what is going to be, quite literally, all over your house.

lol the girlfriend in this email isnt out finding a dog trainer. She is out finding a new god damn boyfriend. 

*Kavanaugh snarl* I LIKE BEER. I LIKED IT BACK THEN AND I LIKE IT NOW.

It’s crazy to me. The phone calls just don’t MATCH where Adnan was at the time of the calls. He says he was with friends; then there’s the BestBuy phone box that’s no longer there. And what about the parking lot across the street! Now the legal system is getting over-involved. Like I don’t even personally know any of…

As a Chiefs fan, I think the only reasonable thing to do is suspend Donald a game and teach him a lesson.

So many people do not understand the risk he takes by playing without having that longterm guaranteed money. The hundreds of people commenting on his posts about how he screwed them because they drafted him with their 1st round fantasy football pick is frankly disgusting. Who gives a shit that you drafted the guy, if…

I dunno, there’s enough grammatical errors in there to make me think Floyd wrote it, but juuuuuust enough big words to make me think he didn’t. 

I think I’ve eaten my body weight in wings this year alone, but I eat wings 2-3 times per week at least.

Way to go hackers, it’s going to take the PGA forever to come up with replacement tournament logos featuring a trophy surrounded by two golf clubs.

You got a pet. You got a responsibility. If your dog is lost, you don’t look for an hour then call it quits; you get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!