just let me have my moment pretending i could ever be good enough to write for the onion

I hear what you’re saying but honestly if I have to choose between speaking to a person via telephone or just not eating tonight I’m going with option B.

Trump Lawyers Stunned To Learn Mueller Interview Already Happened

“We strongly oppose ... his candidacy for any public office, including the 3rd Congressional District.”

This was actually the beginning of the selection process for his second-term FLOTUS

There’s no way celery can afford those seats.

Pictured: Golden State Warriors player Draymond Green stares down Lebron James upon learning that James will be joining the team and desires to continue wearing jersey #23; both men pay no mind to a would-be neutral arbiter whom neither respects.

I don’t know what the question he was supposed to answer was, or what their past relationship has been, but this strikes me as a super-British way to say “I didn’t show up because I can’t fucking take your fucking asinine questions anymore which is why I am fucking out of here you moron.”

Bars that aren’t sports bars don’t have TVs. If it has a TV it’s because it has decided to be, at least in part, a sports bar.

Apparently Church, Family, Police, Military, and The National Anthem are things the left hates

Yeah but this is what eagles and their cheering fans think of dogs:

“Because Americans are dreamers too.” It’s All Lives Matter, but for DACA.

Kurtz discoursed. A voice! a voice! It rang deep to the very last. It survived his strength to hide in the magnificent folds of eloquence the barren darkness of his heart.

Report: toffee-nosed usage pedant absolutely chuffed by opportunity to call out blogger’s alleged malapropism

Back to Petruchio, is it? I’m still confused. Is there any man has rebus’d your worship?

To quote one of the most famous playwrights in history, “Away, you three inch fool!”

Forsooth, thy humble, unassuming nature reveals itself ever anew.

But what’s strange is that every time I talk to him he says he just golfed a 69

Either those were some old, wrinkly-ass jalapenos or you sir are not a pepperologist.

She’s pressing charges.