I know which end of the bottle the beer comes out of, I really do.

You know who should have retired as a Penguin? Danny DeVito.

Wilkinson's brother Sam always wanted to see the excitement up close, and it cost him. Aside from Sam's nickname, the family really doesn't like to talk about that fateful day launching anvils on Half Dome.

After the President passed him over for pardon, the turkey was willing to try anything to escape slaughter. Unfortunately he misinterpreted Wilbur's advice ...

Also living in a pretend world where people really liked his play: Tony Kushner.

This is the only before and after picture involving Kareem in which I am interested

The lion thus defeated, al Assawy will next do battle with a very stupid axe-wielding robot.

Little does this reporter know - Nadal is not actually left-handed. The Spaniard is just such a superior player that he prefers to even the playing field by playing with off hand. This drives his short, bald Sicilian manager crazy, but as everyone knows Spaniards are intractable, greasy-haired enigmas.

November 13 [real life edition]: Marv does Today, with Katie Couric. ... Couric was "one tough cookie."

William Powell died again?

That's nothing. At some point in the 1967-68 NBA season, every woman in the Philadelphia area was mounted by a 7'1" Spectral figure.

Rizzo responded to the badmouthing with a heartfelt rendition of "There Are Worse Things I Could Do."

"True," said Blatterfein, "chickens generally do cluck. I don't have chickens myself but I do raise fowl. Unfortunately, this one won't quack, he seems to have lost his voice."

passionate fans are embracing some of the trappings of their European counterparts

"There were rumors, and I knew something might happen, but to see both go, I'm shocked."

Azure Texan would normally be all over one of these pun strings, but he's not that inspired this time. "Better Words, Please."

Charles Nelson Reilly of ascottery fame routinely took balls to the face...

TheRealTPlush Wat should ur boy do for lunch today?

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And of course there is SaveLeni.com, dedicated to preventing future defamation at the hands of that sharp-witted bastard MattinglysSideburns.