And I have been to church many times, but I'm still not Jesus, yet.

Is there something more to this than "I've been alive a while, been to a lot of weddings, but still not married! Crazy, right?"?

No offense to the author but this is one of those times where I'm like, "Well hell if they'll give you a book deal for that..."

Hello sister.

I laughed out loud at the 'similar to a headband'. Now I want to have a few on hand for when someone asks if I have a spare scrunchie or hair elastic they can borrow. 'Yeah, here. It's similar to a headband.'

In a universe where I not only had reason to walk a red carpet but a dress that required me to wear one those, I can guarantee I would still be enough myself in that universe for the bit of the c-string that's supposed to settle in the butt crack to jut up and out enough for the dress fabric to hang on. Any attempts…

The worst part is deciding whether to have it "snap" against the front or the back when putting it on.

I just...I don't understand how this thing stays on. Nope. No. No thank you.

WHY?!

Whut. O_o

Cloth thongs I understand, but how is that thing POSSIBLY comfortable for your buttcheeks??

This looks horribly uncomfortable. What is that, a sticker?!

I'm now having a fit of existential horror. WHAT HAVE I JUST SEEN

They make them for men, too.

Those pitbulls attacked the wrong person.

It's a little Misty in here.

2 pups, 1 cup.

Yeah. You're a woman. Uh huh. I TOTALLY buy that one.

Look, I'm just saying that it's rude of people to breast feed in places where I'm scooching my bare asshole over the tabletops! It's unsanitary. Please have some consideration for others.

The marathon's path doesn't go through Wade's constituents' neighborhood, for good reason: There aren't a lot of parks there...