I rented a car at Newark Airport to go to my grandmother’s funeral. They gave me a Chevy Cruze. I trundle through the parking lot, all seems fine. On the street, still good. I get to the highway and try to speed up to merge, and it’s just not going. I can’t get it to speed up, no where to pull over, I thought I was…

I love when they do that with really low tabs, like under $15. And then joke around when I have to check it with the counterfeit pen. "Heh heh , it's good, I got it at the bank!" You know what else they have at the bank, motherfucker? Twenties. And since you're the second customer of the day, enjoy the thick wad of…

Bribe the dishies to hide the leftover silerware until the next shift.

Or when they argue with you about ordering something you've NEVER had on the menu. "I was here ten years ago when you first opened and I had a burger THEN". No, you really didn't.

Oh, I love this too. Well, lady, if you ate the meatloaf more than once every four years maybe we'd still have it.

I want to say honestly that the adhesive place mats kind of suck. On wood tables they can peel the finish off of the wood and on other tables they leave adhesive behind. Then someone has to sit there with Goo-Gone trying to scrape the glue residue off for 15 minutes. I would rather clean the table than deal with the…

Argh, the dog was licking all inside that baby’s mouth. MOM PUT THE CAMERA DOWN FOR A SECOND JESUS.

I did this. I think I was 12 or 13. I had one of those nail polish remover tubs which is just a big sponge in a plastic tub full of nail polish remover. I was in my room, doing my nails, has a candle lit. I was moving the tub towards me over the candle and it LIT UP. So then I am holding this suddenly flaming plastic…

You say, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, I just wanted to make sure YOU were wearing the longest dress in the courtroom today”.

I took a cat on my honeymoon too! She was special needs and couldn't be left at home.

My problem is that in my head, I look pretty good. Thinner, more attractive. But when I look in the mirror, I'm like, Jesus, who IS that?! There is a major disconnect.

For future reference, "just the tip" is always a lie.

And being on unpaid leave is even more of a Fuck You, too, right? Because technically even though you are not working, you haven't been fired, and so cannot collect unemployment. (?)

I would be interested to know, if at all possible, what the full cost would be if they were to purchase the products used in the makeovers.

I am one of those who could not take the pill because of schedule/habit (or lack thereof) reasons. No day is the same as the next since college. I used Depo for about 8 years and that worked great for me. One time when I went to get my shot renewed at the campus clinic a new nurse was there and had the nerve to tell…

He made a right turn into the left turn lane. You can see the lane marking after he turns into in.

Ugh, I did that too! It was fun. Someone pulled out in front of me, and couldn't make the turn. Went right off the road deep into someone's yard and then swerved back onto the road. Called the cops and followed across town. Once the guy finally got pulled over he was surrounded by 5 cop cars.

I've had people order a Rachel.... they tell me it is pastrami and cole slaw instead of corned beef and kraut?

Oh, you wanted the sun to stop? Let me call our busboy Joshua, he'll be right out with his trumpet. And let's move these tables away from the wall......

Heyyy, can I get a mocha? With coffee and, um, chocolate?