FACT CHECK no Mission Impossible sequel can be unnecessary because they are all extremely awesome

The same Cosmos who nearly went belly up before the start of this season?

Patrick has been fired for not referencing the extensive real-world history of ballistas being used to kill flame-breathing magical lizards the size of 747s.

Building a trebuchet to launch the goddamn Mountain at the dragons would have been a better weapon.

I liked this tweet.

Racism? At an Indians game?

Sure, Eckersley doesn’t know how rough it is on pitchers today. David Price has completed 16 of his 259 career starts, and Eckersley completed 17.

Really, this must have been LeBron’s dream outcome from the very beginning of his return to Cleveland:

*receives pink slips*

Kyrie Irving to Paris Saint Germain.

The word you’re looking for is “Higuain”.

For those of you wondering, “Chicharito” is Spanish for “Little pea who always goes offside.”

May I just say WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE.

A while ago, I was outside my house and I heard a familiar voice calling out to someone and I looked over, and it was Jenny Slate with some other people riding their bikes toward the park. She turned and looked at me and smiled as she biked past and it was all I could do not to jump up and down yelling “HI JENNY!!…

But Jenny Slate’s the worst.

Usher paid a little over million dollars to a former sex partner after exposing her to herpes, which she later contracted.