I guess she didn’t think the deal was.... a Grand Slam.

That’s perfect and now I’m annoyed that I didn’t think of it.

Wear a skinny scarf or I may just barf?

It was really a long shot for a joke, but I have to live my life the way I see fit. Commas are important, people!

Wait!!! What does KFed know about the “water people”??? Are they like reptilians? If they’re in New York, does that mean they’re making their way north? I need to get supplies!!

“The Great Fucks Famine of 2015”. I’m stealing that and pretending that I was clever enough to come up with it myself.

This lovely man came in every day, I burned his bread, and he left a $5.00 tip on a $4.00 meal. One time, he heard me (quietly, I swear) talking to another waitress about how I couldn’t afford to have my other cat spayed yet, and when he left, I found $100.00 under the cup for my cat.

I had a server upend a tray of mimosas all over my toddler at a Mother’s Day brunch. The poor woman was mortified. Of course my kid has hysterics and has to be taken outside to calm down, but we weren’t mad at the server. She, however, might have ended up going home because we had a different server for the rest of…

I was thinking the same thing. I kind of wish the manager had gone that route. Asked the guy if he needed an ambulance, told people to give him some air and shouted "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS MAN IS?" in a helpful and empathic way.

That makes me think of the Spanish Inquisition. “Our chief weapon is surprise. Suprise and fear. Fear and surprise. Two. Our *two* weapons are fear and surprise and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope . . . . *Amongst* our weaponry are fear, surprise, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red…

We go to Ruby Tuesday’s fairly often as an after movie dinner place, and the idea of a guy acting like a wine expert there is hysterical, it’s like pretending to be a connoisseur of steak at Arby’s.

I miss when the comment section was just more crazy ass restaurant stories.

Calling Taco Bell a Mexican restaurant is almost as insulting as that jackass at the drive through.

“Republican”.

I thought “cracker elites” was the journalistic standard term

Everyone except Mitt and Ann Romney, who are Mormon. Are Mormons considered WASPs? They’re really the ultimate WASPs if you think about it.

Like, I’ve never agreed with Tyler the Creator before but everyone IS stupid and we all ARE going to die and I DO want to start a garden. Shit, I think I might agree with Tyler the Creator. I’ll pray to based god that this never happens again.

Is This the Whitest Picture Ever?

“I do hope he reconsiders leaving, because someone once told me divorce causes autism.”