Oh for the Love of God. A woman made a sex joke! We should all take it literally and question her feelings and motives!

This is why it’s so awesome to be non-monogamous. All the stuff I don’t like gets outsourced. And vice versa.

That tattoo is in case he dies suddenly. For everyone ele it says, “If lost, return to Fatwillow.”

Selena’s hair and outfit are giving me 1979 Victoria Principal. I feel like someone’s about to try to sell me a breakthrough skin care regime while sitting on a white couch in soft focus at about 2:30 am.

She is the hero every server needs AND deserves.

This woman getting arrested was one of my favorites this week. Right behind Meatloaf People.

I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THAT.

Getting that tattooed on my BF’s penis, brb.

Every. Single. Story.

Also, meatloaf people sound like something that you would find in the latest club to answer the question, “How?”

I thought the same thing! But I did find this.

My grandfather’s side of the family is very WASPy as well. This was my grandmother’s first husband, my biological grandfather. One of the family friends I met at his wake was a retired CIA agent. He asked me what I wanted to do for a living. I was about 19 and very much into the X files. I said I wanted to be in the…

Damn. My father and I were completely estranged since I was about three. He died a week before I graduated from college. Liver failure. Alcoholism. My mom called me at my part-time job, something she had never done before, so I knew something major was up.

My grandpa is actually my mom’s stepddad, and he has two sons from his first marriage. They apparently turned out more like their mother, which is to say, not great people. One of them is a complete deadbeat but harmless. The other is actively malicious. He showed up at Christmas one year with his jaw wired shut from…

When my cousin got married, all three of my aunts came down with a GI sickness the next day. Our detective work traced the source back to a bottle of champagne they had split while getting ready for the ceremony. The only reason my mom was spared was that she doesn’t drink wine or champage. She prefers bloody marys on…

My grandmother, a pillar of strength and lifelong sass queen, passed away earlier this year. Instead of anything resembling a traditional funeral, her body was cremated and interred under a tree in the desert outside my aunt’s house. Her four daughters orchestrated the event, so it was a disorganized mess from start…

I defy any heterosexual man to say shit about their ex with this much subtlety.

If the universe isn’t sentient, how do you explain the fact that it keeps sending us messages in the form of dumb coincidences, like when you have a song stuck in your head and you turn on the car and THAT SONG IS PLAYING, or you have a sex dream and you open your browser and THERE’S THE PORNO. HUH?

Yes, I need someone to publish the address of my fan club for that dude from the State of the Union address who looked like Ben Franklin.

I’m going to start posting this on all the life hack lists. Are we sure it wasn’t a misguided attempt to kill any wandering microbes? Or maybe just... felt nice?